The Physics of Relationships by Chas Halpern

Author:Chas Halpern [Halpern, Chas]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Guernica Editions
Published: 2023-07-05T14:52:45+00:00

20

Re-evaluation

When I woke up the next morning, I had a perplexing phrase on my lips: Nature abhors a vacuum. The words seemed to have arisen from a dream, although I had no memory of that dream. Yet the phrase seemed somehow important.

I got up quietly and left Amy still asleep next to me. Even with earplugs, I heard her snoring especially loud during the night. At one point, she woke me up with a gasping sound. I was half asleep, but I believe she got up and then came back to bed. This morning, I didn’t want to disturb her.

I sat down alone in the kitchen with my coffee and toast. What was happening? Not long ago I was a widow attempting to navigate a new life. I was coming to terms with being alone. And I think I was succeeding. It was a process, but I was making friends with myself. And that self was encouraging me to be brave, to enjoy what I could in life, to find peace, and to seek a new meaning in my solitude. Now, that solitude had been invaded.

When Amy kissed me the night before and told me she loved me, what exactly were her intentions? Was she just expressing tenderness toward a close friend? Or did she have something else in mind? Was she actually thinking of staying with me permanently? As what? A lodger? A partner? A lover?

Suddenly it struck me. Nature abhors a vacuum. I was in the process of filling my vacuum. Amy was replacing my husband. Danielle was replacing my daughter. And her new boyfriend … was he replacing my son? Was I trying to recreate the family I lost?

On the one hand, all the pieces fit together, but the whole notion seemed absurd. I was just being kind. I was being generous. And fate had thrown me into this situation. Or had it? Had I somehow invited this to happen? Had I been the unconscious puppet master drawing this ersatz family together? I was beginning to doubt my own motivations.

Late that afternoon, when I was leaving my tutoring assignment, I got a call. It was Phil. My first reaction was fear. What does he want? What can I say to him without betraying Amy? I didn’t want to get in the middle of their marital issues. It wasn’t my place.

With my heart racing, I answered the phone. Phil’s voice was unusually gentle. He asked how I was, how the kids were. And he asked if I would be willing to talk with him, privately, without telling Amy. Against my better judgment, I said yes. It was something in the way he asked. I had never heard Phil sound so vulnerable. For the first time, I sensed how much he must have suffered from this separation.

I sat waiting for Phil at the café where Amy and I met frequently, the one with the Eastern European pastries. It was a stupid choice. Phil had asked where I wanted to meet.

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