The Good Teen by Richard M. Lerner PH.D

Author:Richard M. Lerner, PH.D
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780307407665
Publisher: Harmony/Rodale
Published: 2007-10-09T00:00:00+00:00

Swinging into Action Yourself

Nothing proves to teens that you value connection like getting out of your living room and participating in civic, social, and community activities. Volunteer to serve on committees at school and in religious institutions; become active in events. Let your teen know when you’re going out in the evening to sing with the community chorus or attend a PTA meeting. You don’t have to be a coach if that level of involvement is too much for you—you can coordinate the refreshments at each game, or coordinate buying the gift for the coach. Show that you care about other kids as well as adults with whom you interact in the family, at work, and in the community. Volunteer at your child’s school, coach a sports team, become an adult leader of a 4-H club, or become a Big Brother or a Big Sister. Follow up by talking about what you’re doing in these groups as part of the family conversation. When you reach out and support the positive development of youth in your community you are showing your child the value of connections. Equally important, you are becoming a model for your child.

Peter Benson, president of Minneapolis’ Search Institute, an independent applied research organization specializing in child and adolescent development, often challenges the parents in the groups to which he talks across the nation to learn the names of at least six kids in their communities who are not family members or members of their children’s immediate social group, as well as something about them. They, in turn, should learn who you are. Benson notes that many youth go to school and walk through their communities as if they were strangers, without any personal connection to bus drivers, cafeteria personnel, school administrators, librarians, or other adults with whom they come into contact.

Because teens may seemingly dress alike and listen to the same music and use the same vocabulary, it’s easy to assume that they are happy to take refuge in anonymity. But in fact this is a developmental stage during which teens are seeking to establish their identities, their specific definition of self. They crave recognition—to be seen as individuals distinct from their friends and families, to define themselves on their own terms and claim their journeys in life.

If you accompany them to the library or corner store when they’re younger and strike up a relationship with the reference librarian or the man in the convenience store who sells breath mints, then your child will know these people by name when he’s old enough to frequent these places on his own. He’ll be recognized and called by name, and he’ll be able to reciprocate. He’ll be making connections. He’ll have the sense that others are looking out for him. As much as teens want to be on their own and responsible for themselves, they also want to know that they’re being watched over, protected from harm. The connections they weave in their communities form their safety net, their convoy of social support.

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