The Ferrari in the Bedroom by Jean Shepherd

Author:Jean Shepherd [Shepherd, Jean]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-307-75531-5
Publisher: Crown Publishing Group
Published: 2010-06-16T04:00:00+00:00

“It certainly does,” I replied, my confidence rising as I noticed that Susskind had a bit of dried chicken soup on his lapel.

“It’s not that I want to hide anything, you understand. It’s just that there are probably women and children watching today.”

“Yes, Jesus said to me the other day, when we were out jogging together, ‘Blessed are the little children.’” Malcolm Boyd was off and running with the Lord again. “In fact, I just cut an LP on this very subject. It’s called…”

Allen raised his hand casually. “Easy, Malc. We’ll plug the record at the end of the show.” Boyd frantically held up the record jacket and looked disappointed that the camera had winked out and was now pointing at Susskind.

“It’s in Stereo!” he squeaked.

“We don’t expect to come up with all the answers today. After all, the Environmental Pollution crisis is very complex, but we Concerned people feel that the Liberal Establishment particularly, relating itself to the suppressed minorities, the first victims of smog, recognize that the certain amount of sacrifice and painful re-evaluation plus cooperation among the more favored elements of the Society…”

Susskind had the bit in his teeth and in his inimitable fashion was charging off into the wild blue yonder, spraying cliches recklessly in all directions. I found myself nodding as he droned on.

Luckily a commercial cut him off in mid-platitude. The commercial seemed to be about a lady who found blue water in her john, and a three-inch tall man in a rubber rowboat as well.

“C’mon, Shepherd, what do you mean you can’t tell us what S.P.L.A.T. stands for? This is an Adult panel. After all, it’s Sunday afternoon, when the Serious shows are on. You can come right out and say it on this show, right boys?”

Susskind nodded gravely. Malcolm Boyd said, “I’ll buy that.”

“Well, it has to do with Pollution, all right, I can tell you that. We’re really getting Militant to boot. You bet!”

“I presume your organization…” Susskind crinkled his brow thoughtfully “… deals with problems of an Environmental nature.”

“You bet!” I interrupted. “And how!”

“One that concerns all the peoples?” Susskind had used one of his favorite words. He’s at his best when dealing with Peoples.

“Everybody I know!”

“Folks…” Allen beamed at the studio audience out in the darkness. “Shepherd here can come right out and say it, can’t he? We’re all grownups here.”

The audience applauded, with a few whistles and foot stamps thrown in.

“You see, like I said, they’re grown up. Well, how about it? What does SPLAT stand for?”

“Don’t blame me if you get outraged letters.” I fenced for time.

“Our unseen television audience is mature.” Allen smiled benignly at me.

“Well, okay. It stands for Society for the Prevention and Limitation of Animal Turds.”

A great roar of applause. More whistles and catcalls from the audience. I thought I detected a few screams.

“Eh? What was that?” Susskind, who was not in the habit of listening, appeared confused.

“Society for the Prevention and Limitation of Animal Turds,” I repeated.

Susskind disappeared briefly under the desk.

“The other day I had a talk with the Lord on that very subject.

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