The Enforcer: Lakeside University Hockey #1 by Avery Keelan

Author:Avery Keelan [Keelan, Avery]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Avery Keelan
Published: 2022-06-22T16:00:00+00:00

21

RISK-BENEFIT ANALYSIS

NASH

Kissing Violet was either the stupidest or smartest thing I’ve ever done.

Problem is, I’m not sure which.

It’s all I’ve been able to think about ever since.

Late afternoon sunlight pours into Marie’s office through the floor-to-ceiling windows, the sun rapidly descending in the sky; it’s four-thirty p.m., and I have an evening practice after this. Not ideal timing for a therapy session, in my opinion, but Marie was so booked up that I didn’t have much choice. And the appointment was badly needed because I was losing my shit.

“You haven’t talked about Violet very much.” Marie’s tone is gentle, her words carefully measured because she knows pushing me is the best way to guarantee I’ll clam right up. “Is there a reason?”

That’s because it hurts to even think about, let alone recount how I single-handedly decimated a good thing. I took a wrecking ball to our relationship, smashed it to pieces, and walked away.

I neutralize my expression while my grip on the arm of the couch tightens, navy velvet bunching beneath my fingers. Marie’s attention drops to my hand, evidently noticing the gesture, but she says nothing. Drawing in a breath, I release my grasp. “I don’t like to talk about it. Or think about it.”

She gives me a small, sympathetic smile. “It’s hard for you.”

“It is.” The two simple words are difficult to force out. Suddenly, throwing myself out that window seems like a more appealing alternative than discussing this.

“You must care about her a lot.”

A knot forms in my chest, winding around my throat. “Yeah.”

What kills me is, I’ve never told Violet that directly. When she said she loved me, I couldn’t bring myself to say it back—which goes to show how dysfunctional I am. I’d like to fall back on the whole, “actions speak louder than words” concept to defend myself, but I’m not so sure I’m great at showing how I feel, either.

“You’ve mentioned that you dated,” Marie says. “What exactly happened?”

With significant coaxing, I recount the high-level version of my history with Violet, both past and present. From the sweet start to the bitter end and everything in between. I’m sure Marie sees all kinds of things clicking into place, because it basically confirms what she and I both already know.

According to a previous session we had this spring, she believes I have “attachment issues.” What she didn’t say, and what I later found out via Google, is that’s shrink speak for “emotionally fucked up.” Supposedly, my issues stem from growing up with a temperamental, impossible-to-please father. That checks out; I don’t think anyone could grow up under his roof and emerge in one piece mentally or physically.

It’s not an excuse, but it’s a major contributing factor as to why I screwed things up so spectacularly with Violet the first time around. Emotional intimacy is scary as hell for me, largely because I haven’t experienced much of it. From what I remember of my mother, she was kind and loving, but she’s been gone since I was four.

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