The Complete Sparkling Vampire Parody Collection (1-4) by Lacy Maran & Kevin Michael

Author:Lacy Maran & Kevin Michael [Maran, Lacy]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2012-07-18T05:00:00+00:00

Stop This Love Triangle, I'm Getting Off

Why couldn't psychotic vampires just let me make out in peace? Instead they had to go form an army of undead grump-a-lumps to take out my pouty ass. So not cool. And I was working on a seriously stylish hickey too.

While Psycho Von Wantsmedead started biting up a storm in Seattle to build up her fang base, I snuck in a couple of weeks of serious face sucking. And even though I was perfectly happy getting lost in Hunky's eyes, the love of my life wanted to waste perfectly good dry humping time talking about dumb stuff like the future. The council of stuffy vampires with no sense of humor declared that I must either be killed or turned super fangy, but instead of just making with the sucky sucky, Hunky had a bucket list for me before I went vamp.

God forbid I turned into a vampire without first experiencing the wonder of getting explosive diarrhea as a human one last time. There were of course other things Hunky wanted me to experience. The acknowledgement that a great many people's lives had gone bye bye over my humdrum existence, the philosophical ramifications of being immortally whiny, and of course finally getting around to taking that underwater basket weaving class.

Hunky also thought it would be pretty neato if we got hitched. Then we could bump nasties the respectable way. But did I really want to get married so young? What would the other vampires think of me just giving my genital giblets away to honeymoon horniness at the first sign of adulthood? Then again, it wasn't everyday you ran into an impossibly hot 104 year old (and bravo on living over a century without even developing even a hint of a personality).

So the stage was set for the epic shotgun marriage of the year (yippee for haphazard matrimony). But unfortunately I had to go and get two dreamy hunks to fall in love with me (my dateless friends just didn't understand how hard it was having shirtless hot men fall all over themselves for you). My old wolfie buddy took time away from sniffing other werewolves butts long enough to declare his undying love for me. Now back in the days when I had the worst perm in the history of hair gel, I used to dream about hot guys fighting over me. But as someone who hated math, love triangles sucked.

Still, I let Second Fiddle and his shirtless hunkiness say his piece:

"The wolf in me wants to hump your leg like a wanton jackhammer," Second Fiddle said. "But the six packed hunk in me wants to love the shit out of you--even when you get so old that you're pooping in your adult diapers and can't remember where you left your dentures."

"Wow. That's a creepy amount of love." But instead of being put off, I was totally giddy. "A girl can never have enough over the top grandstanding."

"Does that mean you'll run off with

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