The Art of Connection by Michael J. Gelb

Author:Michael J. Gelb
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: New World Library

Adjust the Balance of Energy with Feedback

I think it’s very important to have a feedback loop, where you’re constantly thinking about what you’ve done and how you could be doing it better.

— ELON MUSK, CEO of Tesla and SpaceX

My wife and I just celebrated our anniversary. We have been together for twelve wonderful years. Every week we go for a long walk and engage in the simple practice of taking turns sharing our thoughts and feelings about the relationship. We ask one another: “Is there anything going on that may be difficult to express?” “Is there anything I can do to be more loving and supportive?”

We ask for feedback, so that we can effectively monitor and adjust the balance of our energy exchange. We take turns responding, and we don’t interrupt. Sometimes we share major issues. I learned over the course of these walks, for example, that she wanted to move back to the East Coast, but was hesitant to express this, because she knew how much I loved living in the Southwest. Other times, the issues seem smaller. I recently shared my feelings about the current state of our procedure for disposing of the copious quantities of dog doo that our two adorable Akitas manufacture on a regular basis; and I followed this with a specific actionable request (“Please don’t leave the plastic bags of dog doo on top of the garbage shed. Please place them in a larger bag inside the shed.”) We now live happily on the East Coast, and our garbage shed is unadorned with bags of Akita poo.

Our feedback conversations are often exchanges of gratitude and praise, but that’s probably because we’ve been focused on mutual otherishness — eliciting, listening, and responding to one another’s concerns and needs — ever since our first date.

Professionally, I discovered the value of giving and receiving feedback when I began coleading seminars with Tony Buzan, the creator of Mind Mapping. From 1979 to 1982 Tony and I traveled the world together. We went to Japan, Australia, Singapore, France, Switzerland, Sweden, and many other places, leading five-day retreats for senior managers.

At the end of every seminar we went for a long walk and gave one another feedback on how we could be more effective. We began with a self-critique and then asked for feedback on what could be improved. We agreed not to interrupt, defend, or justify, but rather to listen deeply. After focusing on what could be improved, we shared our perceptions of what was most effective and expressed appreciation. We then translated what we learned into clear, positive intentions for change.

I learned so much from this practice. Tony was sharp in his critiques, and his specific feedback helped me accelerate my development as a speaker, facilitator, and teacher. And, just as valuable, my ability to observe and give constructive feedback evolved considerably. Moreover, I internalized the process, thereby improving my ability to critique my own work, a process that continues with every presentation or class I offer.

Author and leadership expert Ken Blanchard calls feedback the “breakfast of champions.

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