Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage by John Gottman Ph.D

Author:John Gottman, Ph.D. [Gottman, John M.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-307-34711-4
Publisher: Crown Publishing Group

At the end of this conversation, we’re impressed by the affection and interest Steve and Denise have displayed. It’s great that Steve was willing to express his dreams and listen to Denise’s feelings.

Steve says he found the talk “freeing” because he didn’t feel obligated to find the perfect solution right at that moment. “I didn’t feel like I had to make it go somewhere, so I was able to build my thoughts as I went along,” he explains. “I could say, ‘Maybe this is what’s going on inside.’”

Both partners are more responsive and more open to each other’s influence this time. This allows them to take the conversation in a positive direction instead of a negative one.

Still, Denise feels a bit worried. She hears Steve’s affection for her, but she’s going to need lots of reassurance that he’s not staying in the relationship because he feels trapped; he’s there because he wants to be. “I’m still afraid I’ll keep him from those dreams and he’ll reach a point where he goes, ‘This just isn’t good for me,’” she says. “We have trouble even finding time for little walks in Magnuson Park.”

It’s true. With a two-year-old and an infant, packing an afternoon picnic can feel like a major troop movement. But we remind them that this is just a stage their family is going through while their children are small. During this time, it’s important to honor the spirit of each other’s dreams—even if you’re not in the position to make those dreams come true right now.

“If adventure is something that you both value, then perhaps it’s something that you do in little pieces today—while continuing to dream of big adventures later on,” says Julie. “Kayaking in Puget Sound may not be a trip to India, but both adventures have that same dreamlike quality for Steve. And he wants to share that with you, Denise. He’s not about to give that up.”

Steve’s suggestion of a train trip to Portland is a great idea. It keeps his dreams of travel alive while they’re dealing with diapers and nap schedules. And if Steve can show Denise—with his actions as well as his words—that he’s there to share the responsibilities of raising the kids and caring for her mom, she’ll be reassured that he’s honoring her feelings as well.

Another key is to take the time needed to fully explore the dreams within the conflict. “You may not be able to do it the very moment a conflict happens—especially if your heart rate is 115 beats a minute,” John reminds them. “When that’s happening, you may be too flooded to think and to communicate clearly.” So take a “time out” and promise to revisit the issue when you can talk calmly about it without interruption, he advises. The exercise (“Calm Down to Avoid Flooding”) may be useful. And the exercises at the end of this chapter can help you explore the dreams within your conflicts.

One Year Later

It’s been a great year for Steve and Denise. Their new baby boy arrived on time, healthy and strong.

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