Talking Across the Divide by Justin Lee

Author:Justin Lee [Lee, Justin]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group
Published: 2018-08-14T00:00:00+00:00

Make a case from their values, not yours.

In an episode from the first season of The Simpsons, Homer Simpson buys his wife, Marge, a bowling ball for her birthday, despite the fact that she has never shown any interest in bowling.30 Homer’s the one who likes to bowl, not Marge, so he’s essentially treated Marge as if she were just a clone of himself, buying her a gift that he would want rather than a gift she would want.

In the context of the episode, even Homer seems to realize that Marge won’t want this gift; he’s gone so far as to have his own name etched on the ball. But in real life, people often make this mistake without realizing what they’re doing. They may think they’re giving you a gift you’ll love, because it’s something they would love, but they’ve failed to recognize that you don’t value the same things they do.

You probably know the so-called Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, a paraphrase of Jesus’s words in Matthew 7:12. It’s a widely accepted moral principle, this idea of treating others the way we want to be treated, and many religions and systems of thought offer some version of this concept.

I love the Golden Rule. I strive to live by it. But it’s possible to apply it too literally, missing the broader principle. If you asked Homer Simpson what he wanted others to “do unto him,” he probably would have loved for them to give him bowling balls. By giving Marge a bowling ball (ignoring the fact that he put his own name on it), he might argue that he was following the Golden Rule, doing unto her exactly what he would want her to do unto him. But since Marge doesn’t care about bowling the same way he does, his gift is obviously the wrong one.

Of course, that’s not the intent of the Golden Rule. The idea is that you should treat other people with respect and compassion, taking their personal needs and desires into account, just as you’d want them to take your needs and desires into account in how they treat you. If I give you something that I want but it’s not something you want, then I may be following the letter of the Golden Rule, but I’m clearly missing its spirit. And that’s not helpful.

Some people have proposed a slight rewording of the Golden Rule, dubbing it the Platinum Rule: Do unto others as they would do unto themselves. Perhaps that captures the spirit a bit better. (Though I’d argue it’s exactly what the original rule means.)

But whatever precious metal you assign to this rule, it’s important to remember that what other people value isn’t necessarily the same as what you value. Because as important as that is in your personal relationships, it’s even more important when it comes to strategic dialogue.

That sounds obvious, but it’s easy to overlook—and it’s very often the reason an argument you see as incredibly convincing doesn’t faze the other person even a little bit.

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