Swimming in the Dark by Tomasz Jedrowski

Author:Tomasz Jedrowski
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins
Published: 2020-04-27T16:00:00+00:00

One night, after one of our swims at the pool, it was beginning to get dark outside. Coming out with our hair still wet, we could see the Wisła shimmering, the trees moving slowly in the wind. The air smelled fresh and moist. Summer still lingered, but already one could sense the cooler winds sweeping across the endless plains from Siberia, announcing the end of warmth. It was autumn’s gateway, that night.

We wandered down the slope of a little park and onto Dobra Street. It was the first time I’d seen you after you’d started work, and you told me that your boss liked you. That he’d already given you texts to read: books awaiting permission to be published. It was your job to examine them, to find criticism of the Party or anything unsuitable for the public. You seemed electrified, your eyes wide, your words sounding like they were meant for an audience.

I let you go on, unsure what to do with my anger, until you stopped your speech and looked at me.

“Have you nothing to say?” you asked, as if expecting praise.

I let silence rush in, hoping it would blur the reality of this moment. Our footsteps resonated in the dimly lit street. There was no one there except us. I held on to the stillness for as long as it would let me, for as long as I could.

“You should know by now that you will never impress me with your work,” I heard myself say. “That it will never bring us closer.” You looked as if you were about to say something. “Meanwhile,” I went on, unable to contain the bitterness, “the queues are becoming infinite. There is less and less to eat. And Pani Kolecka is ill. She’s coughing like a death-bound dog. They don’t even have the medicine for her.”

Your face lost its tension. It was your turn to be silent.

“I’m sorry,” you finally said, sounding reduced, speaking only to me again.

“I’m sorry too. I’m sorry to be living under this bloody system.”

Your brows furrowed, and you glanced behind us. “Don’t say things like that.” There was a hint of fear in your voice.

It gave me a strange satisfaction. “What else are we going to do? Let them do anything they please?”

You stopped, looking behind us again, grabbing me by the shoulders. “Work. Keep quiet.” You looked straight into me. “Don’t do anything stupid.” I avoided your eyes. “I mean it, Ludzio.” You shook me, as if trying to wake me up. “I told you we mustn’t take risks. You want to protest? What for? To end up in prison and to be a martyr for nothing?” I raised my eyes and looked at you, suddenly aware of us standing like this in the street, our faces so close. “There are ways to live a good life,” you went on, as if hearing my thoughts. “I’ll figure things out. Can’t you trust me?” Your eyes pleaded in a way I had never seen before. We heard the sound of boots clicking on the pavement.

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