Sons to Men: A Mothers Guide by Harvey Anne

Author:Harvey, Anne [Anne Harvey]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780730492542
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers

It is a three-second process. Stop: your mind and mouth working. Hesitate: take a deep breath and bring yourself into the moment. Allow yourself to energetically emanate love for him.

You might see or hear him but you do not react verbally or immediately and then you create a loving space with your awareness. One mother confessed how surprised and delighted she was when she tried this. She usually picked her son up from his sports game and would immediately ask something like, ‘How did you go? Did you have a good game? Were you pleased with how you played?’ And he would reply in monosyllabic non-descriptive mutters, ‘Yeah, OK’, ‘Yeah, good’, ‘Nah’. After learning about the value of ‘hesitate’ she said she picked him up and said ‘Hi’ and then did the three steps. As they drove home in silence, after about five minutes her son volunteered, ‘You know I played pretty well tonight, I…’ and he went on to describe why he thought he did well and shared some of his action stories with her.

On one of the courses a mother commented, ‘Anne, why don’t you just come out and say it—this hesitate thing, you’re just telling us to shut up.’

Yes and No. Just ‘shutting up’ is only half the picture. Some women give people ‘the silent treatment’ by stopping talking. This is not that. This is being consciously present in this moment in time and fully aware and respectful of the other human being. It is holding back our need to engage verbally, being aware that we are already connected and allowing a space for him to engage with us verbally if he wants to. It’s not about ignoring him. Say ‘Hi, Son,’ acknowledge his presence but let the extra words that you might have bombarded him with dissolve in your throat.

It gives the young man, the hero within him, space to emerge. Several mothers have reported that when they try this at home their sons are so unused to silence from their mothers that they will genuinely query, ‘Are you OK, Mum?’ like Wendy’s son did.

That’s not to say you do it with that intention, to get something from him. No, you become aware of the loving intention inside you that wants to connect with this boy-man. Allow that intention to swell up and overflow from you and fill the car, the room, the entire house—BUT you allow the words that you were going to use to express it to evaporate. The words are only symbols of something greater anyway and sometimes words don’t come out the way we intended or they can get misinterpreted.

Hesitating and not talking is one strategy that can work to strengthen you and is suitable for some, but not all situations or all aged boys. It is very useful if your son accuses you of nagging or if he’s not responding to other attempts at conversation. There are some important points to keep in mind about the ‘hesitate’ strategy if you decide to try it.

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