Questions for Terrible People by Wes Hazard

Author:Wes Hazard [Hazard, Wes]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2016-10-02T00:00:00+00:00

Which do you think your roommate would prefer?

You’re given the chance to go back in time to when the biblical canon is being finalized and place the script of any comedy or horror film in with the rest of the books. The script will be regarded as a fully legitimate part of the Bible, and its lessons will be followed and incorporated into church law for thousands of years. Which movie do you pick?

Just think about how chillaxed the world would be if 20 percent of the population abided by the lessons of The Dude from The Big Lebowski.

Your significant other has to get a full-sized back tattoo of any celebrity. You get to choose who the lucky celebrity will be. Who is your choice and why?

Think about how often someone actually looks at his or her own back. You’ve got to admit that this is mostly going to be for you.

A line of unisex novelty thongs is being released with your face emblazoned on the crotch. What catchphrase should be included under your picture?

There are no requirements on tone here. Feel free to go with something sexy, funny, ominous, or just plain ridiculous. For me, it’s “If you’re reading this, I am SO, SO sorry!”

You have to pack an item in your carry-on bag that’s legal to own and fly with, but which will totally ruin the day of the TSA agent who finds it in a search. Which item do you pick?

Keep in mind that they do this for a living. They’ve seen every sex toy under the sun. I’m not quite sure they’d be prepared to deal with my “Daily Turd” photo album, though.

You’re a speechwriter for the governor. A few minutes before he is set to deliver memorial remarks at the funeral of a prominent official, you misplace the speech you drafted. All you have time to do is print out lyrics to a song of your choosing. What do you go with?

I might suggest “Tha Crossroads” by Bone Thugs-n-Harmony. It really works for all such occasions.

Your 8-year-old niece has asked for a puppy for her birthday. What nonpuppy animal that fits in a puppy-sized box would you give her for the most disappointing birthday ever?

Note: No one ever said it had to be alive .

Your very good friend just started dating a girl who he’s head over heels for. His only concern is that she’s totally oblivious to the fact that she has a fairly noticeable lady mustache. Being the great friend that you are, you offer to assist. What’s your plan to break it to her easy?

It might be worth practicing what you’re going to say with someone. Turn to the person to your right and give it a shot.

When you die you can either be cremated and have your ashes baked into a batch of cookies that will be served to your unsuspecting enemies, or you can have your body preserved in the pose of your choice and displayed in the entryway of whichever restaurant or sports venue you prefer.

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