Preparing Couples for Love and Marriage by Furrow James L.;Lee Cameron;

Author:Furrow, James L.;Lee, Cameron;
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781426775116
Publisher: Abingdon Press
Published: 2013-10-28T00:00:00+00:00

Conversation Topics

Roles and Responsibilities

From the moment they met, Veronica and Reggie were aware of the differences in their cultural backgrounds. However, it didn’t take long for them to discover that those cultures shared one important thing in common: they were quite traditional in their expectations of the roles that husbands and wives should play in the home. Consequently, they both grew up with fathers who were the sole or primary “breadwinners” and had little to do with housekeeping chores or caring for the children. These latter tasks were clearly Mom’s domain and responsibility. To the extent that their fathers did any work inside the house, such as cooking or cleaning, it was generally viewed as “helping” Mom. And to the extent that she earned any income, it was viewed as a supplement to Dad’s wages, not as an independent career.

But Veronica and Reggie also found themselves growing up in America during a time of continuous cultural change. In principle, both of them vaguely wanted a marriage that was more egalitarian, even though neither of them had seen it modeled in their own families. Veronica had a part-time career and did most of the housework and child care. Reggie was a very involved father, and did more around the house than his dad ever did—but still far less than Veronica. So while Reggie felt like a pretty generous guy compared to his father, Veronica felt that he still wasn’t pulling his fair share of the load compared to her.

Engaged couples seldom talk explicitly about the roles and responsibilities, routines and rituals that will come with forming a new household. Who’s going to do what around the house once they get married? Who will work outside the home? Will that work be a career or just a way to earn some extra income? Not realizing that they may come with different expectations, the prospective spouses may take the answers to such questions for granted.

More pointedly, the question is not just “Who will do what?” but “Who should do what?” Many couples attach at least some sense of right and wrong to such matters. They have values and preferences that are largely unacknowledged but strongly felt: husbands are supposed to do one thing, wives another. And doesn’t everyone know that there’s only one proper way to load a dishwasher?

The central issue is fairness. Some sociologists have argued that in every marriage there are actually two marriages, “his” and “hers,” and that husbands benefit more from marriage than do their wives.1 The perennial bone of contention has been the distribution of work and family responsibilities. Working women are still often expected to keep up with their traditional duties as wives and mothers, putting in a domestic “second shift” even after a long day at the office.2

We’ll leave it to the sociologists and demographers to settle how deep and wide the “his versus hers” imbalances run in the nation as a whole. Pragmatically, however, we must recognize that this is a common cause of tension

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