Panpocalypse by Carley Moore

Author:Carley Moore
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: The Feminist Press

MY PRIEST

Second grade, at Catholic school, where my atheist family doesn’t belong but feels I will be safer—because I am very small, the smallest in my grade until high school. Because there’s probably some racism about the local public school. Because the classes are smaller.

Each year I lie to the nuns. I lie a lot at this age. I do it for fun and to be left alone. I do it to avoid pity and to get people who wrong me in trouble.

“You’re sure you were baptized?” Sister Grace of God asks.

“Yes, my parents don’t really like to go to church, but they baptized me when I was born.” This is a lie. I wear overalls and a plaid shirt with a Peter Pan collar, some kind of lace-up shoe. The priest, who visits our classroom sometimes, once called me a beautiful little girl. I think he’s quite handsome too. Sister Grace of God is old and grouchy. She never smiles at us in the hall like some of the other nuns. Her habit is dark blue, with a white band around her forehead, and her dress is pale blue polyester. All the nuns wear this. Many of our teachers are not nuns, but mostly they are Catholic.

I think of my Jesus workbook, the story of the apostles. St. Peter and Paul, which is also the name of our school. I am learning how to take Communion like the other kids. I so badly want to taste the body of Christ and drink his blood.

“Do you remember where you were baptized?”

“Somewhere in California, where I was born,” I say, waving my left hand in what I think is the direction of the West.

She stares at me, to break me. I squirm a little in my small wooden chair. I focus on Sister Grace of God’s knees, which are in panty-hose. I wonder if hers come in the same sexy egg-shaped package as my mom’s. There’s also the Underalls brand, which is a cartoon of a woman’s butt in her nylons. Also, unbearably sexy.

“If you’ve been baptized, you may take Communion in class. Will your parents have you participate in First Communion at a church?”

“Prolly,” I shrug. “Can I go play?” I need to get out of there. Every morning as I leave for school my father tells me not to listen to the nuns, but it’s an impossible situation. The nuns are in charge. My workbook tells me my family will go to hell. I don’t want that for us, but my parents tell me hell is not real.

“Yes, you may go outside, but get your jacket and boots on,” she says.

Outside, I see my best friend, Toast. She’s both mean and nice. We’re both kinda outsiders. She’s poor and I’m a sinner. We sit by the swings because I can’t run today. My legs hurt too much.

“You’re going to burn in hell,” she says.

“I know,” I say. It’s easier to agree with Toast.

A week later, we have our Christmas concert.

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