On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss by Kübler-Ross Elisabeth & Kessler David

Author:Kübler-Ross, Elisabeth & Kessler, David [Kübler-Ross, Elisabeth & Kessler, David]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Psychology, Self Help, Health, Spirituality
Amazon: B000FCKB02
Goodreads: 8876691
Publisher: Scribner
Published: 2005-01-01T08:00:00+00:00

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Judith, a woman in her late sixties, said that her marriage had almost ended in divorce thirty-five years ago. She revealed how on the day her son died from cancer, seven hours later to be exact, her husband wanted to have sex with her.

“I was devastated by the loss and was extremely insulted by his selfishness and insensitivity. How could my husband think of something as enjoyable as sex, when I wasn’t sure life would ever be enjoyable again? It was beyond my comprehension. But luckily for us, we had a strong marriage that withstood my husband’s request, which I thought was completely inappropriate. I knew he loved our son as much as I did, so I could never quite comprehend his feeling sexual at a time like that.”

Years later her husband shared what he could not articulate at the time. “It wasn’t really sex I was after,” he told her. “I was lost after our son died. I felt not only the emptiness in our family but also an emptiness in my soul. I needed to be held so I could feel like I was connected, that we were joined together. Sex was the only way I knew how to tap into those feelings.”

Judith learned what we rarely speak about and usually do not put into print: daring to talk about sex in the context of grief has long been taboo—even with a person’s closest friends. If it comes up at all, it’s usually behind a counselor’s closed doors. Even then the discussion is almost always vague. But for us not to discuss it in this book would be to deny the real feelings and events that sometimes happen after a loss.

Men and women experience sex and grief differently, but we will speak in generalities. As in Judith’s case, men don’t always know how to say, “I feel alone and I need to be held.” Women are much more able to ask for tactile support than men, which made Judith’s husband’s request for sex seem like an insult to the memory of their deceased son. But it isn’t so.

Sex is a part of life, so it is also a part of grief. When a husband or wife or lover dies, there is a loss of sex as well. You may have wonderful memories of lovemaking, which are not so easily discussed with friends. Maybe you want to have sex right away, and maybe you’ll never want it again as long as you live. For some, the avoidance of sex may pass in time, and for others sex will remain a memory.

One thing is sure: if sex was part of the relationship, it will be part of the grief. When a partner dies, we tend to consciously or unconsciously assign their roles to other people or to ourselves. He handled the finances; now you do. He handled the house repairs; now you hire someone. She cared for the children; now you get help from Grandma and day care. But what

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