Not Safe for Work by Michael Estrin
Author:Michael Estrin
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Slacker Press
Published: 2021-01-02T16:00:00+00:00
Chapter 31: Interview with a shyster
âThe free speech guys get the headlines,â Bobby Beauchamp says. âIâm all about the talent.â
His tone is professionalâneither Lionel Hutz nor Jack McCoy, just Menâs Warehouse mediocre. Iâm beginning to think Bobby Beauchamp is a halfway competent lawyer, until he makes a joke involving the head and lines we left in the other room.
Iâd be laughing my ass off, if I were fourteen. Two weeks ago, Iâd cringe a little on the inside, trying to hold back the puke through a forced grin. But today I am numb. After a week, these jokes are like wallpaperâobvious and pointless.
Weâre in a small bedroom that doubles as Beauchampâs office. A large desk occupies most of the roomâs square footageâa bulwark of professionalism in a space thatâs anything but.
I take notice of the framed magazinesâHustler, Penthouse, and pretty much every publication that comes wrapped in a black plastic bag at the few newsstands still in business. The magazine covers blanket the wall behind his desk, forming a pornographic collageâa glossy-lipped, big-hair tribute to the last days of printed smut.
âMy clients,â he says, answering a question I didnât ask.
Unlike most porn lawyers, Bobby Beauchamp works from home. This, he casually tells me, is because he likes to screw his clients.
âDonât get me wrong,â he says. âThis industry has some top-notch legal eagles, and if your ass is on the line with an obscenity charge, theyâre the guys you want, no doubt. But I deal in pussy. Hot, wet pussy and cold, hard cash.â
âSo...your...practice...â I say, trying to string together a question without much luck. âWhat area of law...?â
Beauchamp cuts a fresh line of coke on his desk and takes a bump without offering me any. I guess house rules dictate that once you decline blow you wonât be offered more.
âContracts,â he says through a big, numb smile. âSusie Big Tits agrees to fuck X guys for Y dollars.â
âWhy?â
âWhat do you meanâwhy? The dollars. The dinero. The cash, brother.â
He mutters something about taking the edge off as he lights a joint and says, âThatâs why they call it the money shot. Donât you know anything?â
âNo, I mean, why do they need a lawyer?â
âSo they donât get fucked,â he says, before adding, âoff camera.â
His tone is somehow equal parts blunt and opaque. I understand why a porn star would want a lawyer to negotiate top dollar for every scene, but what Iâll probably never understand is why theyâd go with a guy like Bobby Beauchamp.
He inhales and holds in his hit as he says, âAnyway, thatâs my lineâpretty good, huh?â
Up until recently, my experience with pimps has been limited to Ice T and Three 6 Mafia songs, as well as the two scenes from Risky Business I always seem to catch whenever itâs on TNT. But despite my naïveté vis-à -vis pimpinâ, Iâm certain Bobby Beauchamp is the only whoremonger licensed by the California State Bar.
âIâm just like those entertainment lawyers on the other side of the hill,â he says. âExcept my clients are total fucking perverts.
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