Noises Off by Michael Frayn

Author:Michael Frayn [Frayn, Michael]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780307488886
Publisher: Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group
Published: 2000-02-15T05:00:00+00:00

Pause.

Lloyd Brooke!

Brooke Sorry …

Lloyd Your line. Come on, love, we’re two lines away from the end of the act.

Brooke I don’t understand.

Lloyd Give her the line!

Poppy (off) ‘What’s that, Dad?’

Brooke Yes, but I don’t understand.

Belinda It’s ‘What’s that, Dad?’

Selsdon Yes, I say to you, ‘I’ll tell you one thing, Vicki’ and you say to me, ‘What’s that, Dad?’

Brooke I don’t understand why the Sheikh looks like Philip.

Silence. Everyone waits for the storm. Lloyd comes slowly up on stage.

Lloyd Poppy! Bring the book!

Enter Poppy from the wings, with the book.

Lloyd (patiently) Is that the line, Poppy? ‘I don’t understand why the Sheikh looks like Philip’? Can we consult the author’s text and make absolutely sure?

Poppy Well, I think it’s …

Lloyd (with exquisite politeness) ‘What’s that, Dad?’ Right. That’s the line, Brooke, love. We all know you’ve worked in very classy places up in London where they let you make the play up as you go along, but we don’t want that kind of thing here, do we. Not when the author has provided us with such a considered and polished line of his own. Not at one o’clock in the morning. Not two lines away from the end of Act One. Not when we’re just about to get a tea break before we all drop dead of exhaustion. We merely want to hear the line. (Suddenly puts his mouth next to Brooke ’s ear and shouts) ‘What’s that, Dad?’ (All patience and politeness again) That’s all. Nothing else. I’m not being unreasonable, am I?

Brooke abruptly turns, runs upstairs and exits into the mezzanine bathroom.

Lloyd Exit? Does it say ‘exit’?

The sound of ‘Brooke weeping, off, and running downstairs.

Lloyd Oh dear, now she’s going to wash her lenses away.

Exit Lloyd through the front door.

Frederick (chastened) Oh, good Lord.

Selsdon (likewise) A little heavy with the sauce, I thought.

Garry I thought it was going to be Poppy when he finally, you know.

Dotty It’s usually Poppy. Isn’t it, love?

Poppy smiles wanly.

Frederick I suppose that was all my fault.

Garry But why pick on, you know?

Dotty Yes, why Brooke?

Belinda I thought it was quite sweet, actually.

Garry Sweet?

Belinda Trying to pretend they’re not having a little thing together.

Dotty A little thing? Lloyd and Brooke … ?

Belinda Didn’t you know?

Selsdon Brooke and Lloyd?

Belinda Where do you think they’ve been all weekend?

Frederick Good Lord. You mean, that’s why he wasn’t here when poor old Tim …

He stops, conscious that Tim is behind the sofa.

Dotty … put the set up back-to-front.

Belinda Sh! Here they come!

Enter Lloyd with his arm round Brooke.

Lloyd OK. All forgotten. I was irresistible.

Poppy I think I’m going to be sick.

Exit Poppy into the wings.

Dotty Oh, no!

Lloyd Oh, for heaven’s sake!

Exit Lloyd after Poppy.

Garry You mean … ?

Selsdon Her, too? Frederick Oh, great Scott!

Belinda Well, that’s something I didn’t know.

Brooke I think I’m going to faint.

Dotty Yes, sit down, love!

They sit Brooke down.

Belinda Quick – do your meditation.

Selsdon Well, that’s something she didn’t know!

Belinda Hush, love.

Dotty Two weeks’ rehearsal, that’s all we’ve had.

Frederick Whatever next?

Selsdon Most exciting!

Belinda (indicating Brooke) Sh!

Selsdon Oh, yes.

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