Name Drop by Ross Mathews

Author:Ross Mathews
Language: eng
Format: epub, pdf
Publisher: Atria Books
Published: 2020-02-03T16:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER TEN The Big Brother Story

COCKTAIL

Omarosa Mimosa

2 blood oranges

1 expensive bottle of champagne

Juice the blood oranges and mix 1 part juice with 2 parts champagne. Drink two glasses by yourself and then practice your best “villain” face in the mirror. Then finish the entire bottle. Invite a friend (if you can really trust them).

ROSSIPE

RealiTV Dinner

Girl, heat up a Hungry-Man! You’ve got too much shit TV to watch!

WITH ALMOST TWENTY years of show business experience under my BeDazzled belt buckle, I’ve been asked to be on more than my fair share of reality shows. And to my credit—or my stupidity—I’ve turned most of them down. Here’s just a sampling:

Food Network’s Worst Cooks in America: Celebrity Edition? Sorry, honey, but I cook every day. Hello, haven’t you heard of my trademarked and tasty Rossipes?

NBC’s Celebrity Apprentice? Sweetie, I don’t think so. Now that he’s in the White House, technically Trump works for me, not the other way around.

CBS’s The Amazing Race? No way, José. That show gives me far too much anxiety and motion sickness. My idea of an “amazing race” is frantically running through the aisles of Trader Joe’s when I get there five minutes before closing time to do a week’s worth of grocery shopping.

ABC’s Dancing with the Stars? Although I did attend a meeting with network bigwigs regarding my being a contestant, technically they never asked me. But I probably would’ve said no to them, too. Despite what I assume are your fantasies about me, I’m afraid that when it comes to dancing, I’m more Fred Flintstone than Fred Astaire. I can’t do the fox-trot or the samba or the tango. And let’s be honest, the only salsa in my life is piled on a tortilla chip and is of the chunky mild variety. (OMG! That’s it! I’ve been trying to come up with the perfect title for the one-man Broadway musical revue I’ll undoubtedly win a Tony Award for one day. Just picture it on a marquee, spelled out in lightbulbs: “Ross Mathews in Chunky Mild Variety.” Suck on that, Hamilton!)

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