More Than Two: A practical guide to ethical polyamory by Franklin Veaux & Eve Rickert

Author:Franklin Veaux & Eve Rickert [Veaux, Franklin]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: relationships, psychology, sexual ethics, intimacy, polyamory, non-monogamous
ISBN: 9780991399710
Publisher: Thorntree Press
Published: 2014-09-02T00:00:00+00:00

They are not games of Mao. Named for the Chinese ruler Mao Zedong, Mao is a card game where at the start of the game none of the players except the dealer know the rules…and the players are penalized for breaking the rules. The players who figure out the rules the slowest lose. If you are to have relationship agreements, they must be clear and comprehensible. Everyone involved should know and understand them—and equally important, understand the intent behind them: the spirit as well as the letter.

They seek to place controls on one's self, not one's partners. You can't really control anyone but yourself. "You must," "You cannot…": Those kinds of statements work only if other people choose to let them.

They offer a clear path to success. Rules that try to protect anyone ever from feeling uncomfortable, for instance, don't have a clear path to success—discomfort often accompanies change, and sometimes attempting to prevent one person from being uncomfortable will make someone else uncomfortable.

They are clear, specific and limited in scope. "You must care for me more than you care for her" is not clear or specific. It doesn't define what "care for me" means or what steps can be taken to get there. "We will not have unbarriered exchange of bodily fluids before discussing it with each other" is clear, specific and limited in scope.

They have a defined practical purpose. "Don't do this because it makes me feel threatened" is vague and impractical. It places responsibility for the feeling on the partner of the person having the feeling. It's not always clear what need a particular feeling may be trying to communicate, and it can take some effort to work down from a feeling to discover the underlying need. Successful agreements address needs directly, rather than trying to address feelings about them.

They do not seek to sweep problems under the rug. "I get jealous when I see you kiss someone, so don't kiss anyone in front of me" does not deal with the jealousy, it only addresses the trigger. The jealousy is still there, just waiting to emerge in some other way.

They have a sunset clause if they are meant to provide space for dealing with a problem. A sunset clause means a restriction expires on a certain date. If there is no sunset clause, once the emotional trigger has been removed, it can be all too easy to say "I'll work on the problem tomorrow." And tomorrow becomes next week, then next month.

They aren't aimed at unspoken expectations. For example, "Don't spend the night at a lover's house" may actually be a way of saying "Make sure I am never lonely." The overnight rule might sound reasonable, but the underlying expectation is not. We are human beings; we feel many things, including, from time to time, things we don't like, such as loneliness.

They are renegotiable. Any agreement should be open to discussion at any time by anyone it affects. This includes anyone who enters a relationship after an agreement is made.

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