Modern Manners by P. J. O'Rourke

Author:P. J. O'Rourke
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Publisher: Grove Atlantic
Published: 1989-07-25T16:00:00+00:00

DANCES AND BALLS

Rich people didn’t use to go to nightclubs. They used to dance in their own houses. That way they never had to go home to get more drugs. Also, rich people had very big houses in those days and couldn’t think what else to do with some of the rooms.

Dances were sometimes given in the afternoon. These were called “tea dances” and were held to show the neighbors that you were so rich you didn’t need a job and could do anything you wanted in the middle of the day no matter how expensive and wasteful.

More often, dances and balls were held at night. Dances were small affairs. True balls were much larger and were always distinguished by a bright red carpet on the sidewalk outside the house. Then as now, that’s what tasteful people did with bright red carpets—threw them out on the sidewalk. Balls also had two bands, so that there was continuous music and no excuse for getting caught with somebody else’s wife in the orangery between numbers.

A really elaborate ball with prearranged dancing partners for each piece of music was called a “cotillion.” The main activity at cotillions was the performance of “duty dances.” These were dances with huge fat people vaguely related to your mother.

All dances and balls lasted until four in the morning and people were so dressed up that they had to be moved onto the dance floor by servants with block-and-tackle rigs. Rich people were very glad when nightclubs came along. They sold their big houses to funeral directors, slipped into something comfortable, and ran down to El Morocco, the Stork Club, and other such places to watch Hollywood types get into fistfights with photographers. They’re still there.

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