Make Something Up by Chuck Palahniuk

Author:Chuck Palahniuk
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group
Published: 2015-05-25T16:00:00+00:00

LITURGY

In light of recent property damage at 475 Battlinghamshire Court, the homeowners board would like to reiterate association policy on both dog ownership and the proper disposition of biohazardous organic materials. As per association regulations, all domestic dogs must be tethered or fenced within the property lines of the owner. At no time may a dog be allowed to roam unattended.

As for human remains, county health regulations require that they be relinquished to the acting authorities for sanitary disposal. Under no circumstances is burial at home permitted.

Compliance with either of the aforementioned regulations would have precluded the recent wide range of property damage. It is now possible, by creating a timeline of destruction, to chart the course of the medically hazardous material in question and to implicate the animals involved. The first reported incident took place on May 17, between the hours of 10:00 a.m. and 3:30 p.m. The partially decomposed remains were apparently disinterred from an unknown location by a dog. In this initial case, the apparent culprit was “Buttons.” Once exhumed, the family beagle relocated the remains to the formerly white, shag-carpeted master bedroom at 475 Battlinghamshire Court, where they were cavorted upon for an unknown period before being interred in the backyard of that property.

By mapping the path of damage from 475 to 565, 785, 900, 1050, 1075, and 1100 Battlinghamshire Court, it’s possible to trace the unhappy progress of the thoughtlessly discarded human viscera as it was discovered and relocated by a series of both domestic animals and indigenous vermin, namely rats or raccoons, all of whom lay claim to the increasingly decayed item, abused it, and interred it at a new location. Similar property damage to carpets, upholstered furniture, and bedding suggests the contraband found its way, next, to Surreydaledown Mews. Significant evidence of it follows in several households along Knightsbridgeton Close and Regentrosetudor Crescent. Owing to the increasingly unstable qualities typical of degrading tissue, each subsequent visitation created a more detrimental and lasting effect on the soft furnishings of each home.

A special assessment has been proposed to cover the expense of draining and cleaning area swimming pools. In addition, residents are encouraged to review their vaccination histories; most notably those bathers who encountered the item, failed to recognize its nature, and mistook it for a sad, purple, deflated beach ball. In at least once instance, flinging it at one another in oblivious delight.

This, this abomination was the waterlogged, alien horror that the youngest Sanchez daughter innocently retrieved from that household’s swimming pool. Using a pair of barbecue tongs, she lobbed it over a hedge, landing it in the DiMarcos’ pool. There it was discovered by that family’s oldest son, Danny, who eschewed taking any noble and decent action. Instead, he pitched it up, onto the roof next door at 8871 Ivy High Street. There, it was feasted upon by crows, one of whom eventually carried the sodden carrion aloft, high into the blue summer sky, losing purchase of it directly above the chaise lounge occupied by Ada Louise Cullen.

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