Jazz by Copeland Elizabeth

Author:Copeland Elizabeth
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781927443651
Publisher: Quattro Books

You are woman; you are man; you are boy and you are girl; you are the shivering old man helped by a stick; you are born in the form of this world.

You are the blue butterfly, the green-eyed parrot and the lightning cloud.

You are the seasons and the seas.

You are the one without any beginning; you are omnipresent; all the worlds are born out of you.

– Shvetashvatara Upanishad

KENDALL

Jazz is standing at my office door. Without an appointment. His hair is longer, and he is painfully thin. But he looks somehow stronger.

I gesture for him to sit down. He stays standing.

“I finally got an appointment with the endocrinologist. I want to talk to you about what questions to ask.”

I know he could find this information on his own. But he’s come to me.

He sits down. Regards me with wary eyes. Waiting. I tell him I’m glad to see him. He nods. We talk about his appointment, and I write out a list of questions, clarifying as I go.

After half an hour I look up. “Anything else you want to know?

“No, I’m good.”

“You know that testosterone has lots of potential side-effects that you won’t like.”

“You mean I might end up sweating like a pig, like you?”

“That is possible.”

“And gaining extra weight.”

“Maybe.”

“And speaking in long convoluted sentences?”

I had that coming. “Well, no.”

“And telling people that they are stardust?”

I grin like a Cheshire cat. “Highly unlikely. But, I wouldn’t rule it out.”

JAZZ

A list of people who are in my corner, and will support me no matter what I choose.

My mother

Auntie Nazneen

Sister Mary

Kendall

L.J.

Kimmie

Cynthia

On the bench but coming around.

Sugith

Still stubbornly entrenched in his position, but I am hopeful.

Father

Jean-Paul has disappeared, but I know where he would stand. I hope he is safe.

I’m moving into some transitional housing until I can find something more permanent. Kimmie is teaching me how to cut hair, so I can earn extra money. I’ll need it. T. is expensive. And no more reefer madness. I want to be present as my body changes.

Below me, the ice shifts, cracks. Sounds of water flowing. The glowering sky recedes to reveal a startling blue and the crisp chill turns tail and, like a guilty child, runs away. Before me, a small bridge waits. From a distance, I hear the sound of singing. On the horizon I see a band of people. Some known. Some unknown. Calling to me with open arms. Inviting me into the future that awaits me.

Kendall says…If every atom in your body came from a star that exploded billions of years ago, then perhaps who and what you are is simply a new way for that stardust to align. An evolutionary leap exploding normal into the countless, diverse ways that life seeks to express itself.

I am life seeking to express itself. I like that.

There is a shadow of a girl floating around me. Gossamer. Guileless. And though I cannot unlearn or forget what her life in me has taken, what it has given is an inestimable gift.

There is a shadow of a boy walking within me.

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