I Want What I Want by Geoff Brown

Author:Geoff Brown
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Valancourt Books
Published: 2018-02-27T00:00:00+00:00

23

I awoke in darkness. But I knew that it was morning. I switched on the lamp and looked at my watch. It was five past four. I could not go to sleep again.

I switched off the lamp. The bed was warm. It would be cold in the street.

I dozed, and had a morning dream in which I was in an open carriage in bright sunlight. I was wearing a white dress with a long, full skirt. A handsome policeman sat with me. He held a large bunch of flowers, and he was picking the petals and letting them fall from his hand onto my lap. He did it very thoughtfully and slowly, as though he were doing it with special kindness because I had so often been unhappy.

I awoke again and switched on the lamp. It was after five.

The time was come. I had to get out of bed.

I got up and started to dress, careful to make no sound.

I dressed with great care, making sure that everything was right. This time I was not putting on the clothes only for myself but also to be accepted. I would wear these things all day. I would not take them off until I undressed to go to bed in a new place as a new person. Or I might be taken to the police station in them. My stomach seemed to be falling. It was a sensation like going down in a lift. And I had a picture of downfall through the breaking of elastic. I laughed at myself.

It was necessary to put my razor over the sides of my chin.

Then I began to make my face. The concentration stopped my nervousness. My eyes took a long time.

When my face was satisfactory my confidence was increased. I was the girl in nylon stockings and high-heeled shoes.

I combed my hair. The fringe came to the front and all the rest went back. There was the little crossways parting on top of the front of my head, and there was the clipped-off piece standing up. The hair at the back went behind my ears. I wished I had a pair of ear studs. I wished that I had bought a brush so that I could try to make my hair shine. Yet it looked quite pretty. It was not as long as I would have liked it—but it was long enough. The fringe was just above the eyebrows. It made my face an altogether different shape from Roy’s face. I wondered if I was really the type of girl to have a fringe . . . It would have to do.

I went and put my nightdress in the suitcase.

There was over five hundred pounds in the suitcase. The only pockets I had now were the pockets of my raincoat. If I got parted from my money, I would be finished. I thought of making a roll of some of the notes and putting them in the top of my stocking like women used to do in films.

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