How to Be Richer, Smarter, and Better-Looking Than Your Parents by Zac Bissonnette

Author:Zac Bissonnette
Language: eng
Format: epub, pdf
Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group
Published: 2012-03-21T16:00:00+00:00

To make it sound like you know about wine, announce that you detect a “hint of elderberry overtones.” No one knows what elderberry tastes like but he or she will assume that you do and therefore think you are smart and sophisticated. I got this tip from my uncle, a former professional wine salesman, and I’ve tested it at parties. It works wonderfully and people will think you know what you’re talking about.

Never buy Italian wines. Eduardo Porter, a New York Times economics reporter and the author of The Price of Everything: Solving the Mystery of Why We Pay What We Do, writes that “Americans will pay more for a French wine than an Argentine wine of similar quality, the same grape varietal [Yeah, I don’t know what that means, either], and the same age. Simply stamping ‘Product of Italy’ on the label can raise the price of a bottle by more than 50 percent.”

If you have a party, serve crappy discount store wine but casually leave a couple of copies of Wine Spectator on the living room table. It’ll cost you $5.95 if you buy it at a bookstore, but you also might be able to find it—or magazines like it—at a thrift shop or library book sale. People will note that you have wine magazines and therefore assume that you’re serving expensive wine.

Try to find open-bar events in your area. Alcohol is expensive even when you buy it at home but it’s nothing compared to the prices you’ll pay in bars, especially in hot urban areas. One solution to this is to try to find open-bar events in your area—or wine tastings, gallery openings, that kind of thing. If you live in an area with a vibrant social life, there are tons of opportunities to drink on someone else’s dime. If you live in New York City, MyOpenBar.com has a calendar featuring opportunities to get free drinks each night. (The site is planning to expand to other cities as well.) Otherwise, check events sites, Craigslist, local sites like Patch.com, and even, gasp, local newspapers.

Don’t get drunk at office holiday parties. I am a big proponent of free alcohol. This enthusiasm does not carry over to work situations. If you work for a company, there is a good chance it has an office party for the holidays. There is also a good chance that said party is open bar. Office party high jinks are such a common source of career disasters that the management book 101 Sample Write-Ups for Documenting Employee Performance Problems: A Guide to Progressive Discipline & Termination (I swear this book exists) actually has a sample form to be used for terminating an employee for “Summary Discharge: Misconduct at Company Holiday Party,” with sample legalese like “This employee became very drunk, lifted her skirt to male employees whom she found attractive, and attempted to place several men’s hands on her breasts. The supervisor chose not to describe these actions in detail in this letter for the sake of propriety.

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