How I Proposed To My Wife: An Alien Sex Story by John Scalzi

Author:John Scalzi [John Scalzi]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Subterranean Press
Published: 2011-10-06T13:00:00+00:00

“Oh, come on!” Jaaanta said. “You can’t stop the story there. I have to hear the rest of it.”

“I don’t think so,” I said, and ran my finger over the top of the beer glass. “I don’t think I’ve had nearly enough to drink to spill the rest of the story.”

“This is just a shameless attempt to get me to buy you a beer,” Jaaanta said.

“Maybe,” I allowed.

“Outrageous,” she said. “Outrageous. I’ll remind you, Charlie, that it is you who asked me out on a date. Where I come from— and where you come from, I know that much about earth customs— the person who asks the other person out on a date pays. And, I happen to know for a fact you’re on expense account.”

“I am not! I am not,” I said. “I get reimbursed after I file the story. So that Mai Tai you’ve got going there, my fair tentacled friend, is coming straight out of my pocket.”

“Scandalous,” Jaaanta said. “And yet, clearly, I have no choice here, because I have to know what happened. Therefore! I will buy you one beer, but only after you tell me what happens next. If you tell it well, you can get a Guinness. Tell it poorly, and you get Bud Light.”

“I like Bud Light,” I said.

“Oh, don’t tell me that,” Jaaanta said. “I’ve had such a high opinion of you so far.”

“Snob,” I said. “All right. So Ronen says ‘oh dear, I may have made a faux pas,’ and the second he’s done saying that, the ceiling of the room splits open, and like an entire swimming pool worth of water of comes pouring down right on top of that table. The milt balls disintegrate like… like bullion cubes, and I’m suddenly coated from head to toe in milt broth.”

Jaaanta is laughing so hard she can barely stay on her bar stool. I know how she feels.

“But that’s not the worst part,” I said.

“Good lord,” Jaaanta said. “How can that not be the worst part?”

“Here’s how,” I said. “The worst part is that for the next two days, I smelled like gravy.”

Jaaanta whooped and smacked out a tattoo on the bar in delight. “You, my friend, are getting an entire keg of Guinness for that.”

“Why, thank you,” I said. “I’d bow, but I think the vertigo would make me vomit.”

“What, you’re not actually drunk yet, are you?” Jaaanta asked, signaling the bartender for another round.

“No,” I said. “Well maybe. Just a little. But, come on. I’ve had a rough week. You don’t know how difficult it is to date aliens.”

“Gee, thanks,” Jaaanta said. “And here I thought I was doing well.”

“You are!” I said. “You’re fabulous. You’re funny and nice and you’re paying for my beer—”

“A whole keg!” Jaaanta said.

“— but you’re the first,” I said. “As for the rest I’ve been stabbed, covered in sperm and covertly baptised.”

“Who tried to baptise you?” Jaaanta asked.

“My date from the Fruden embassy,” I said. “I knew they took their religion seriously, but that

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