Here and There by A. A. Gill

Author:A. A. Gill [Gill, A. A.]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Tags: (¯`'•.¸//(*_*)\\¸.•'´¯), HUM000000, TRV000000
ISBN: 9781742736297
Publisher: Hardie Grant Books
Published: 2011-04-30T14:00:00+00:00

The anti-travel awards

The secret to a memorable life is judicious editing, and it’s the same with travelling. Sometimes it’s more important to know where not to go and what not to do.

Whilst travel writing may well be the best job in the world, writing for travel is one of the worst. Touring through Andalusia, eating at little local tavernas, is a joy; having to eat in every taverna in Andalusia would be a Spanish Inquisition of rare cruelty. The secret to an exciting, accomplished and memorable life is judicious editing. It’s essential when you’re travelling. The most important decisions are what you choose not to do, not to see, not to eat, not to pack and not to get tattooed on your backside. The pitiful guidebook hack has to do it all. Every last slummy nightclub and sticky internet caff, every lodging house and campsite, and every bus terminal and puppet theatre, so that others who come after don’t have to.

Guidebook writing sounds like a blessing but is, in fact, a curse. The writing rarely rises above the level of an instruction manual. It’s a constant headache of opening times, addresses and directions. The pay is negligible, the expenses frugal and you’re not allowed to accept freebies or bribes. When I travel, the first thing I say is, ‘I’m the man from Australian Gourmet Traveller, bring on the dancing girls and the cornucopia of largesse.’

At last, a guidebook author named Thomas Kohnstamm has written a memoir called Do Travel Writers Go to Hell? about his days writing for Lonely Planet. He specialised in Latin America, apparently, and what with the lack of cash and the slimness of the deadlines and, presumably, the largeness of the countries and the shittiness of the roads, he apparently sold drugs, gave glowing reviews to restaurants whose waitresses slept with him, plagiarised other guides and, best of all, wrote part of one for Colombia without ever having gone to the country.

Now here’s the thing: I’m immediately more interested in reading the imaginary tour of Colombia than I am in any actual plodding been-there-done-that guide. In fact, I’d rather read a magic-realism introduction to Latin America written by Finns who’d never left Scandinavia. There’s definitely a niche market for fantasy tourism. They always say it is better to travel hopefully.

The other guide I’d really like to have is ‘100 Things You Thought You Wanted To Do But You Really Shouldn’t Bother’. Travel writing always starts off with the tacitly agreed assumption that whatever place you’re looking at is one of the best, friendliest, most exciting, rewarding, beautiful places on earth, with charmingly friendly people, memorably delicious food and indigenous handicrafts that will grace your home and body forever. And, of course, it can’t be true of everywhere. Some places and things have to be disappointing. It would be really useful if someone would write and tell us where they are. So let me kick off with my ‘Top Nine’:

1. The Silk Route.

Sounds like the most romantic destination in the world: the great trade route that stretches from China to Constantinople.

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