Gnome-a-geddon by K. A. Holt

Author:K. A. Holt
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Margaret K. McElderry Books

As the trees close in on us, making it almost as dark as nighttime, Katya says, “Stay close and keep your wits about you. Unless you enjoy dragons roosting in your hair and cyclopean fleas gnawing on your face.” She says she’s tracking a path through the woods made of broken twigs and torn leaves. It’s nothing I can see, but she seems sure it’s from the gnomes with the maps.

“Nasty biters, the big fleas,” says the Healer with a shiver. He’s scraping a bit of gunk off a rock and putting the gunk into his fanny pack.

“I guess you can’t snap your whip and open up one of those Snow White witch portals so we can see where the gnomes with the maps went?” I give Smith a hopeful look.

The gnome shakes his head. “My weapon is from an ancient magic, Buck.” He rolls his eyes. “It can’t just conveniently move the story ahead. In real life, I mean.”

“Of course not,” I mutter. “We wouldn’t want anything to be convenient.” Then I add aloud, “Good thing Katya is on our side,” with a smile that I hope doesn’t look as forced as it feels. “She seems great at sniffing out trails.” I look helplessly at the foliage all around us. The foliage that looks exactly the same, no trail in sight. “Keep up the good work!”

“I don’t need your permission to be a leader, troll,” she says, pushing past me. Lizzie pushes past me, too, and shakes her head like she’s disgusted with me as well. What did I say? Jeez.

“Hey!” I chase after them, catching up and then stopping to take off my glasses. I wipe all the grime and gunk on my shirt. “You know I’m not trying to be a jerk, right? I’m just trying to be the leader. Like, if this was a story, I would be all brave and issuing orders and—”

Lizzie looks at me with narrowed eyes. “It’s not a story, Buck. How many times do we have to say that? It’s real life. If it was a story, you’d already have been eaten. I mean, look at your shirt.” I look down at my shirt. It’s the same one I wore to bed however long ago that was. My Triumphant Gnome Syndicate shirt. My red Triumphant Gnome Syndicate shirt.

“Oh, no!” I gasp. “I’M the red shirt!”

Lizzie tries to make her face look really serious, but her eyes are laughing. She nods slowly.

“DANG.”

Now she laughs out loud and throws her arm over my shoulder. “I think you’re going to be fine. Like I said, it’s way past time for a red shirt to be eaten or swallowed by some quicksand.”

I nod, but I still feel a little uneasy. “You know, if this is really called the Forest of Unspeakable Things, maybe we should keep our eyes open for some—”

A half grin appears on Lizzie’s face. “R.O.U.S.s?”

I grin back and do my best Westley voice. “Rodents of Unusual Size? I don’t think they exist.” The Healer scampers up to us with a smile that shows off his sharp rodent-like teeth.

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