George Washington Is Cash Money by Cory O'Brien; Illustrated by Soren Melville

Author:Cory O'Brien; Illustrated by Soren Melville
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group
Published: 2015-04-01T16:00:00+00:00

CUSTER’S LAST STAND IS HIGHLY UNNECESSARY

So the Union wins the Civil War

(spoilers)

and slavery is over(?)

but there is still a problem

America is just CRAWLING with Indians

and all the REAL Americans

(that is

the white dudes who showed up a few years ago)

are like “We’ve been in this country for a while now

it is pretty clear to us that this is not India

so obviously these Indians do not belong here

let’s murder them until they leave.”

Except, it’s a little more complicated than that.

Sure, some dudes just wanna kill Indians

but for some dudes

(and these dudes are considered Indian sympathizers)

it’s just like when a cat is sitting in your chair

and you’re like “Okay, cat

I’m going to sit down in this chair now

and if you are under my butt when that happens

well, that’s on you

literally.”

Except instead of a chair it is all of North America

and instead of a butt it’s millions of white people

and instead of getting sat on

it is total annihilation.

So on the one side you have gung-ho murderers

and on the other side

you have people who just don’t give a shit.

Luckily, the U.S. hits upon a brilliant strategy

this strategy is to make treaties with Indian chiefs

(none of whom have the authority to do this

because being an Indian chief

is sort of like being Benedict Cumberbatch:

Everybody likes you

but nobody has to do what you say)

and then, once they make these treaties

they break the treaties

pretty much immediately

and if any Indians complain about it

they shoot them and their entire families

and then set their whole village on fire.

It’s a pretty killer strategy.

Obviously this pisses some Indians off

specifically a big group known as the Sioux

which is a French word for “enemies”

and therefore pretty biased

so I’m going to call them what they call themselves:

Lakota

which basically means “friends.”

This is also pretty biased

but way easier to type than Sioux.

When I say the Lakota are pissed off

I mean SOME of the Lakota are pissed off

other Lakota just want to make peace.

But all the peace guys get massacred

because they’re way easier for white dudes to find

being as they are hanging out near white settlements

TRYING TO MAKE PEACE.

So pretty soon, all the Lakota

(and most of the Cheyenne

who have been having the same problems)

are ready to rumble.

But when I say “ready to rumble”

I mean “ready to be attacked.”

Like, they don’t go running all over the place

setting random houses on fire.

They mostly stay home

inside the bounds of the latest bullshit treaty

and occasionally blow up a railroad agent

or show up to a treaty negotiation

just to tell the U.S. delegation how full of shit it is.

Obviously, they must be stopped.

THANK GOD FOR GEORGE CUSTER.

George (whose middle name is ARMSTRONG)

is an arrogant, violent, bigoted maniac

who dresses like he’s cosplaying as a cowboy

at a time when there are STILL REAL COWBOYS

mostly because he is in love with these novels

written by a guy named James Fenimore Cooper

about a dude who REALLY identifies with Indians

while simultaneously killing a ton of Indians.

In real life, though

Custer knows almost diddly-shit about Indians

and makes up for this

by employing a ton of Indian scouts.

“INDIAN SCOUTS???” you say.

“But I thought the Indians hated

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