Fowles, John - The Collector.HTML by txt2html (WordMagus internal version) by DukeLupus (http://dukelupus.pri.ee)

Author:txt2html (WordMagus internal version) by DukeLupus (http://dukelupus.pri.ee) [DukeLupus, txt2html by]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2011-04-17T11:22:27+00:00

(Exit Caliban. I hit my pillow so hard that it has looked reproachful ever since.)

(This evening -- as I knew I would and could -- I coaxed and bullied him, and he wrote out a cheque for a hundred pounds, which he's promised to send off tomorrow. I know this is right. A year ago I would have stuck to the strict moral point. Like Major Barbara. But the essential is that we have money. Not where the money comes from, or why it is sent.)

October 19th

I have been out.

I was copying all the afternoon (Piero) and I was in the sort of mood where normally I have to go out to the cinema or to a coffee-bar, anywhere. But out.

I made him take me by giving myself to him like a slave. Bind me, I said, but take me.

He bound and gagged me, held my arm, and we walked round the garden. Quite a big one. It was very dark, I could just make out the path and some trees. And it is very lonely. Right out in the country somewhere.

Then suddenly in the darkness I knew something was wrong with him. I couldn't see him, but I was suddenly frightened, I just knew he wanted to kiss me or something worse. He tried to say something about being very happy; his voice very strained. Choked. And then, that I didn't think he had any deep feelings, but he had. It's so terrible not being able to speak. My tongue's my defence with him, normally. My tongue and my look. There was a little silence, but I knew he was pent up.

All the time I was breathing in beautiful outdoor air. That was good, so good I can't describe it. So living, so full of plant smells and country smells and the thousand mysterious wet smells of the night.

Then a car passed. So there is a road which is used in front of the house. As soon as we heard the engine his grip tightened. I prayed the car would stop, but its lights just swept past behind the house.

Luckily I'd thought it out before. If I ever try to escape, and fail, he'll never let me out again. So I must not jump at the first chance. And I knew, out there, that he would have killed me rather than let me get away. If I'd tried to run for it. I couldn't have, anyway, he held my arm like a vice.)

But it was terrible. Knowing other people were so near. And knew nothing.

He asked me if I wanted to go round again. But I shook my head. I was too frightened.

Back down here I told him that I had to get the sex business cleared up.

I told him that if he suddenly wanted to rape me, I wouldn't resist, I would let him do what he liked, but that I would never speak to him again. I said I knew he would be ashamed of himself, too. Miserable creature, he looked ashamed enough as it was.

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