Finer Points of Sausage Dogs by Smith Alexander McCall

Author:Smith, Alexander McCall [Smith, Alexander Mccall]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780307428585
Publisher: Vintage Books
Published: 2003-04-11T04:00:00+00:00

He would have to tell him the truth, of course, but that would be such an awful blow to him that he could hardly bring himself to do it.

When the Patriarch eventually arrived the next morning, he immediately sensed that something was wrong.

‘The schismatics,’ he said. ‘They have the bones . . . ?’

Von Igelfeld shook his head. ‘It’s even worse than that,’ he said. ‘I’m terribly sorry to have to tell you this, but Professor Unterholzer’s sausage dog ate them yesterday.’

The Patriarch stared at von Igelfeld for a moment as if he did not believe what he had heard. Then he emitted a strange cry – a wail which was redolent of centuries of Coptic sorrow and suffering. Ophelia tried to comfort him, but he was inconsolable, his great frame heaving with sobs.

Unterholzer, who had said nothing during the harrowing encounter, suddenly whispered something to his wife, who nodded her assent.

‘Your Holiness,’ he said, placing a hand on the Patriarch’s shoulder, ‘I have the solution. You may have my dog.’

The Patriarch stopped sobbing and turned a tear-stained face to Unterholzer.

‘I do not wish to punish it,’ he said. ‘It’s a dumb creature. It cannot be held to account.’

‘But that was not what I had in mind,’ said Unterholzer. ‘I was merely reflecting on the fact that if my dog has eaten those old bones, they become part of him, do they not? He must absorb something.’

The Patriarch nodded. ‘He absorbs part of St Nicholas. He . . . ’ He stopped. For a moment he frowned, as if wrestling with some abstruse theological point. Then he broke into a rare smile.

‘I see what you are suggesting!’ he cried. ‘This dog can become an object of veneration during his life. Then, when he eventually dies, we can put his bones in a reliquary too – as they will be, in a sense, the bones of St Nicholas!’

‘Indeed,’ said Unterholzer. ‘I take it that he will be well looked after?’

‘Of course,’ said the Patriarch. ‘And the schismatics will never suspect that this innocent little dog is the custodian of our most holy relic!’

‘A brilliant scheme,’ said von Igelfeld, feeling extremely relieved. ‘A highly satisfactory outcome from all angles.’

Unterholzer’s sausage dog was handed over at a touching little ceremony the following day. Then, the whole affair settled, the now enlarged German party settled down to a thoroughly enjoyable celebratory dinner with the Patriarch. Von Igelfeld took the opportunity to warn the Patriarch about the Duke of Johannesburg, but it transpired that the Patriarch had known all along.

‘I knew which side he was on,’ he explained. ‘But I never gave him the impression that I knew. He therefore did not know that I knew.’

‘But why is he a schismatic?’ asked von Igelfeld. ‘What drives him?’

‘A desire to find a point to his life,’ said the Patriarch. ‘The feeling that he is being useful to somebody, even if only schismatics.’

‘And that young research assistant of his, Beatrice?’ asked von Igelfeld. ‘What about her?’

‘She’s actually working for my side,’ said the Patriarch.

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