Financial Infidelity by Bonnie Eaker Weil

Author:Bonnie Eaker Weil
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Group USA, Inc.

Exercise: Family Letters

These letters are meant to be shared with your partner in order to help him or her understand how your family history with money has influenced your emotional responses to the role of money in a relationship and to share the legacy of financial fidelity that you hope to pass along to your children. You may decide whether or not to actually send them to your parents and children.

Letter to a parent: Write a letter to your parents telling them how the money dynamic in your household affected you as you were growing up. Recall instances where you felt punished or rewarded around money. Explain how this has influenced your current relationship with your partner when discussing or handling money. Do not blame or vent angrily: simply share the feelings—whether positive or negative—that come up when you revisit the role and power of money in your childhood.

If there is a particular incident that has special power for you, revisit it in this letter. For example, in my money letter to my parents, I recalled a confrontation between my parents over money that resonated with me for many years. It was not until I was an adult and working through my family legacy that I understood the full significance of this incident. It was prom time, and my boyfriend and I were going to both my school’s prom and his. My mother took me shopping for a dress and when I found two beautiful gowns she insisted that I get both, even though they were equally expensive. When we got home, my father was furious. He wanted to know why I would need two dresses—after all, the dances were at two different schools, no one would know. But my mother stood her ground, insisting that I needed both. At the time I was confused and distressed. I could have worn the same dress, but it seemed terribly important to my mother that I have two. At the same time, my father wasn’t angry with me or accusing me of being greedy, but he seemed inexplicably angry with my mother for spending so lavishly on me, rather than getting herself something.

When I shared my money letter with my parents, their responses allowed me to understand why the situation was so fraught. My mother’s mother had grown up during the Depression and, as a result, was incredibly thrifty. She rarely spent money, and would never consider giving in to what seemed to her to be an indulgence. My mother told me how, in high school, she had made the cheerleading squad—an achievement she had been proud of—and when she excitedly told her mother that she would need a uniform so she could cheer at the games, my grandmother refused to buy her one. It wasn’t something she “needed.” From that moment on, my mother swore that she would never let money interfere with the dreams of her own children. My grandmother’s withholding caused my mother to overcorrect with me and this

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