Family and Parenting 3-Book Bundle by Reist Michael;Letourneau Nicole;Joschko Justin;

Author:Reist, Michael;Letourneau, Nicole;Joschko, Justin;
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Dundurn Press
Published: 2014-11-07T00:00:00+00:00

How to Talk to Kids about Their Marks

I am a firm believer in talking to kids openly and honestly about all the issues raised in this book, especially this issue of marks: what they mean, what they do not mean, and their less-than-reliable nature. I think it is very important to talk to kids about the developmental timeline issue as it relates to evaluation. “You are being evaluated at a particular moment in time, but everyone develops on a different timeline. You might just not be there yet. You will get it eventually.” A common and easily seen example would be something as simple as forming one’s letters properly, getting your lowercase Bs and Ds to face the right way. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a teenager get this wrong — they got it eventually. This conversation should happen especially with boys whose language development is different from girls. Notice I do not say “slower” than girls or that boys are “behind” girls in their development. There is simply a difference, generally speaking, between the cognitive development of boys and girls, particularly in the area of language. In broad general terms, boys’ brains develop spatial functions like math and gross motor movement sooner than girls do. Girls’ brains develop logical-linear functions and fine motor ability sooner than boys. When a boy’s reading and writing are not at the same level as the girls in his primary level classes, we can say to the boy, “That is perfectly normal. That is what we would expect.”

When we talk about marks, we are in the area of performance-based esteem, feeling good about yourself because of your demonstrated ability. This is a very healthy thing and we all need it. The problem arises when this is our main source of self-esteem. You are only as good as your last report card. You are only as good as your last goal in hockey. We always have to balance performance-based praise with unconditional positive regard, or to use a simpler word, love. We love our children not for what they do, we love them for who they are. As adults we forget this sometimes, especially if we spend our days in a work environment where we always have to prove ourselves. We know what kind of stress that creates and how it fails to feed the soul. We need to make sure that this same kind of atmosphere is not created at home where one is judged on their performance. Parents should always be wary when drawing analogies between the workplace and the home. “I don’t like my job, but I get up and go every day.” Is this a positive life lesson? That one is destined to live in a state of constant frustration and dissatisfaction? “My job is to get up and go to work every day. Your job right now is going to school.” Yes, but you get paid; the child does not, and you can’t buy anything with marks.

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