Faker's Guide to the Classics by Michelle Witte

Author:Michelle Witte [WITTE, MICHELLE]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780762795468
Publisher: Lyons Press

Macbeth by William Shakespeare

Published: 1606

Category: play (tragedy)

Banned for: witchcraft. Those hags get such a bad rap. It’s not like they wanted murder and mayhem. They just set it all in motion and stoked the fires. See? Harmless.

“Out, damned spot; out, I say.”

If you’re going to go around stabbing people to death, make sure you’re dressed appropriately for it. Something easier to clean than silk or a fine brocade. Trust me.

Ah, Scotland, land of the blue tuches. Hey, don’t look at me; I don’t strip nekkid and paint myself for battle. Sadly, they don’t really do that anymore … I think.

Most of the play takes place at the Macbeth castle in Inverness, with some stops at the witches’ cave. The whole play can be summed up thus: Power, I wants it … so I shall takes it! But it’s not really Macbeth who wants the power. Nope, it’s his nagging wife.

Lady Mac: I married you because I thought you were a powerful lord, but here I am, stuck in this drafty castle, when I should be queen. You have no ambition. Honestly, if I didn’t push you, nothing would ever happen. And why don’t you ever take out the garbage? Gah!

Mac: Yes, dear.

Three witches show up, and things get weird.

Witches: Macbeth, you will be king, and your friend Banquo’s descendants will be kings.

Mac: Uh, if you say so.

Banquo: Sweet!

Mac trots home, victorious from war. King Duncan visits Mac to congratulate him during a dinner party.

Lady Mac: Honey, you know how much I want to be queen. Besides, those creepy hags said you’d be king. Clearly you must murder Duncan while he’s our houseguest.

Mac: Whatever you say, dear.

Duncan: Good job, Mac. I’m glad I have a general I can trust.

Mac: Uh huh. (Stabs Duncan while he sleeps.) Don’t look at me. His chamberlains must have done it. Execute them! Oh, and since the king is dead …

Yoink! Mac steals the crown and makes himself king. Upon further thought, Mac realizes that Banquo’s kids could dethrone him if both prophecies are real. So he has them killed on the way to a party at Mac’s place. But Banquo’s son gets away.

Mac: Dang you, Banquo! I’ll deal with your kid later. Hey, what’s that shiny thing?

Banquo’s ghost: You murdered me!

Mac: Did not!

Lady Mac: Kindly stop freaking out in front of the guests, dear.

The witches show up again and make things worse.

Witches: Watch out for that Macduff character.

Mac sends his peeps to take out Macduff, who scrams for England.

Macduff: Run away! Honey, stay home with the kids. You’ll totally be safe.

Mac: Not so fast! I’ll take your castle and kill your family. What do you think of that?

Macduff: Whyohwhy? You asked for it, Macbeth. Revenge!

So Macduff comes back to visit Mac, this time with an army, and chops off Mac’s head.

Kthxbai!

Which you totally saw coming, didn’t you? Who needs witches to predict the future?

Sadly, it wasn’t just Macbeth the king who was cursed. The play was too after William Shakespeare used real witches’ spells in the play, which ticked them off.

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