Drive Me Crazy by Carly Robyn

Author:Carly Robyn [Robyn, Carly]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781405969253
Publisher: Penguin Books Ltd
Published: 2024-02-12T18:30:00+00:00

TWENTY-TWO

Blake

I PRETEND it doesn’t matter. I try convincing myself that she’s a fever dream I can easily forget. But you don’t forget a girl like Ella, whether you meet her in line for Starbucks or spend months traveling the world with her. She leaves that type of impression. Trying to protect my heart with barbed wire is useless when a simple smile from her can cut it straight away.

My nights are spent tossing and turning; it turns out my favorite dreams and worst nightmares both have the same main character. My days are spent strategizing with my team on the upcoming second half of the season, trying to distract myself from the loneliness that’s starting to creep in. Being alone never bothered me before. In fact, I welcomed it. But I’ve gotten so used to having Ella around every day that I feel lonely for the first time in years.

After a week of not eating, barely sleeping, and partying with Theo to try to distract myself, I call my therapist for an emergency appointment. There are too many feelings to process and I’m comfortable enough to say I can’t do it on my own.

I’ve been seeing Paul on and off since I was a kid. Our relationship switched back to “on” after last season’s fiasco. His office is filled from top to bottom with textbooks, the walls adorned with his impressive degrees and accolades. I need those degrees to pull me out of the hole I’ve dug for myself. A ladder, a rope—anything he’s willing to offer me because I’m spiraling.

Each session leaves me emotionally drained and physically exhausted. I dread and eagerly anticipate each one with equal spirit. It’s been a trying few weeks. As I lean back into the worn-in leather chair in his pristine office for the second time this week, Paul lightly pushes me to open up about Ella. I have been, albeit slowly, but it’s a punch in the gut every time I do. I treated her like she means nothing when she actually means everything. And the worst part is, even though I want to make it up to her, to tell her how much I do like her, I’m not sure I’m capable of giving her what she needs. I’m trying not to hide from my emotions, but sometimes I’m scared to dive in because they’re so deep I’m worried I’ll drown.

“What if I really let her in and she hates what she sees?” I ask Paul.

I bounce my leg in an attempt to shake off the discomfort gnawing at me. I’ve opened up to Ella more than I’ve opened up to most people, but I’m still holding back. Still not letting her see all the parts of me. The part that my mum broke long ago, that my dad did nothing to fix, that the praise from the world barely holds together.

Paul sips his coffee. It’s in a “World’s #1 Grandpa” cup. I’ve only seen him repeat mugs a few times. And it doesn’t matter if my appointment’s at 7:00 a.

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