Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters by Karen C.L. Anderson

Author:Karen C.L. Anderson [Anderson, Karen C.L.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781633537163
Publisher: Mango Media
Published: 2018-01-22T15:13:24+00:00

Impeccable boundaries are:

healthy;

respectful;

about your own behavior;

a delineation of where you end and others start;

a tool that promotes self-responsibility;

a gift you give to others and to yourself;

a meaningful way for you to take care of and protect yourself;

based on your values; and

responsive.

Here are two effective ways to set impeccable boundaries.

(1) Request–Consequence:

The Request is what you ask your mother to stop doing whatever it is that crosses your boundary.

The Consequence is that you let her know what you will do if she chooses not to abide by or comply with your request. It is an action that you will take. The more well-defined the action, the better and more effective your boundary will be.

Here are some examples:

Request: Please stop yelling at me.

Consequence: If you don’t stop yelling, I am going to leave.

Request: The best way to reach me is via email.

Consequence: If you text me or send me messages on Facebook, I won’t respond.

Request: I’d love to chat with you once a week for half an hour.

Consequence: If you call me more than that, I won’t answer the phone.

Notice that when you make the request, the result is the action that you will take.

(2) Request–Benefit:

The Request is what you ask your mother to stop doing whatever it is that infringes on your boundary.

The Benefit is that you let her know how stopping this behavior this will improve your relationship.

Here are some examples:

Request: Please stop yelling at me.

Benefit: If you stop yelling, I’ll be able to better concentrate on what you’re trying to tell me.

Request: The best way to reach me is via email.

Benefit: If you email, it’s easier for me to keep track of our communication.

Request: I’d love to chat with you once a week for half an hour.

Benefit: This way I’ll be able to give you my undivided attention.

In either case, it’s best to make requests specific and clear and to let your mother know the impact this will have on you or on the situation.

The most common boundary-setting mistake you can make is not following through and/or believing that once you establish and articulate a boundary, your mother will (or should) respect and honor it.

It’s not your mother’s job or responsibility to respect your boundaries…it’s yours. And this is good news because this is how you begin to take yourself seriously, to keep promises you make to yourself, and show yourself that you are worthy of having boundaries.

It bears mention that your mother most likely didn’t teach you to set healthy boundaries, so it stands to reason that she was never taught to employ or respect them. And just as it isn’t your fault this wasn’t taught, it isn’t her fault she doesn’t know what she didn’t experience.

Setting good, healthy boundaries with my mother was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, especially given that there were forty-plus years of a pattern in place: no boundaries. But it was also one of the most liberating things I’ve ever done. I was finally being honest. I was finally in integrity with myself—and with her.

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