Did I Say That Out Loud? by Kristin van Ogtrop

Author:Kristin van Ogtrop
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: None
Publisher: Little, Brown and Company
Published: 2021-04-13T00:00:00+00:00

Chapter 10

My Own Style of She Shed: More Vodka, Less Gingerbread Trim

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a woman in possession of three boys, two dogs, and a husband who never turns off the TV must be in want of a she shed.

We can simultaneously applaud and blame Pinterest for bringing these little structures into perfect, peppy, inferiority-producing focus. Maybe a teeny backyard building really can provide an escape from the countless demands in the average woman’s life and help her find her true self again. That’s appealing, right?

But the more pictures I see of she sheds, the more they scare me. If this is a woman’s answer to a man cave, I’d rather be a man. Absent are the foosball tables, the beer on tap, the elaborate sound systems and exercise equipment. Instead women get shingle siding, lavender paint, window boxes, lace curtains, and an abundance of gingerbread trim. These decorative signposts are each fine in isolation. But cram them together and throw a glue-gun-fueled craft project on top and the result is a gigantic estrogen explosion. Just imagine a Nancy Meyers movie with Beatrix Potter doing the set design. We might as well force those who have a Y chromosome to move to another planet.

Which I’ll admit can be an appealing thought if, like me, you are the mother of three boys. I have a dear friend whose therapist once told him that he starts metaphorical fires just so he can put them out. I have a similar problem in that I keep having boys and then just want to get away from them. Why? Because they need me too much.

When I was a new mother, I believed that my boys would seek me out for my unique life wisdom and deep insight into the really important things (if a bird in the hand truly is worth two in the bush; whether virtue actually is its own reward; why women never get tired of the six-hour Pride and Prejudice starring Colin Firth). But no. My boys need me, and me alone, to find the crapola they have scattered all over the house.

I think What to Expect When You’re Expecting should stop devoting so much attention to labor and delivery (after all, they are fairly brief episodes in the grand scheme of things) and issue an updated edition with a chapter titled “Things Your Children Will Never Be Able to Locate Without Your Help (and Yes, Those Things Are Probably Upstairs).” I, for one, would have been much more prepared for the joys of motherhood if I had read such a chapter when I was pregnant. Instead, I greet each day with the vague panic of not knowing when I am going to have to produce a missing shin guard with only three minutes’ notice because the soccer game actually starts half an hour earlier than Dad thought. It’s like waking up every day in a movie filled with hidden predators. If the people in the audience know when they’re going to pop out and scare the hell out of me, they’re not saying.

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