Best Women's Erotica 2003 by Marcy Sheiner

Author:Marcy Sheiner [MARCY SHEINER]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Cleis Press
Published: 2012-03-17T00:00:00+00:00

Too Bad

Cara Bruce

I enjoy my own company.

I am my own best friend.

I am unique and special.

Mira looks in the mirror as the words of the subliminal message float over her. She hates the first part of this CD, the part that says the stupid phrases out loud, grinding deep into her consciousness the fact that she is alone. She feels like part of a “Saturday Night Live” skit, but this one isn’t funny.

She is trying to get her life back together, to get over her obsession with boys—specifically, bad boys. She hasn’t been the best girl her whole life, but the boys she has fallen for have been far worse. They’re the types of boys who started smoking when they were thirteen, lost their virginity at fourteen, shoplifted, drank too much, drove without licenses. These were boys she would see huddled on street corners, tongues flickering over bad teeth, hands balled into fists and shoved deep into pockets big enough for stealing. These were the boys she loved.

In a fit of rage Mira grabs a bar of soap and flings it at the CD player. It hits and slides down, not even causing a skip in the CD. A siren sounds underneath her bedroom window. She lets out a half-yell and looks for something to punch.

Mira resides in a small studio apartment, the only thing she can afford in the city these days. Since her resolve to give up bad boys she has barely left it, feeling trapped and timeless, like a junkie—just without the momentary euphoria.

She stares out her window onto the busy street below, where the boys are gathered like ants at a picnic, or roaches, scattering whenever a cop car crawls by, a single megaphone ordering them to disperse.

Mira’s first boyfriend was named Tad. He had crazy black eyes, glittering with insanity. He was energetic, bustling, busy—overflowing with a contagious energy that made Mira proud. He dealt drugs, supplying people with ingested happiness and need. He bought her a car and occasionally gave her flowers—acts that Mira now sees as a way to shut her up. A few romantic gestures in a lifetime of cruelty, and they had fooled her. She had thought she loved Tad, and he had tried to keep her. He put her down, took from her, let her take care of him so she felt needed. This was a pattern that hours with her therapist helped her to recognize. She needed to feel needed. Needed to feel loved, important, cared for. And bad boys were the ones who let her do that. Bad boys always seemed to have secrets; she never knew what they were going to do next. It was the uncertainty that got her blood racing—which is why she needed to be needed by them. If she wasn’t needed, she would be too uncertain, which made her crazy with lust. Either way, the titillation happened.

Sex with Tad was violent, unyielding. He liked to hurt her—but in those days she was against being hurt on principle.

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