Be Ready When the Sh*t Goes Down( A Survival Guide to the Apocalypse) by Griffin Forrest & Krauss Erich

Author:Griffin, Forrest & Krauss, Erich [Griffin, Forrest]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 0101-01-01T00:00:00+00:00

1. Build an island in the middle of the ocean, kinda like they did in Waterworld. Do not leave your island or let Kevin Costner star in any movie made on your island.

2. Get on the boat with Bilbo and Frodo and sail to Valinor.

3. Volunteer on a Russian space station.

4. Kill yourself.

THE END OF THE WORLD ISN’T JUST FOR PAGANS:

A SINNER’S GUIDE TO REVELATION

The Christian Bible has its own version of the apocalypse. A lot of people refer to this as “Armageddon,” but this is the incorrect word. In fact, Armageddon is the name of the actual place in Israel where the final conflict between Good and Evil will supposedly take place. The end-of-the-world prophecy in the Bible is referred to as Revelation or, according to Apostle John, the Book of Revelation. How did Apostle John know what he was talking about? Well, he saw a bunch of crazy shit go down in these two “visions” he had. Anyone who is named John and has regular visions is undoubtedly Irish, so I have a tendency to believe him. After all, we all know that God favors the Irish and gives them holy visions regularly. I could get deeper into it, but I would be saying too much.

When John goes into one of his more intense visionary states, he hears voices beckoning him up to heaven to meet God. During one such vision, John finds twenty-four old dudes kicking it with some animals, one of which happens to be a lamb. John of course attempts to kick the lamb because he never managed to catch the one that ate his rose bushes down on earth, but the old men quickly stop him. They tell John that the lamb symbolizes Jesus. Now, I don’t know if John thought this was a little weird, but I certainly do. If you are the Son of God, you can choose whatever form you want. I would have picked something cooler, like a lion, a giant eagle, a marmoset, or a Tyrannosaurus. Obviously, Jesus never won the “If you were an animal, what would you be?” game.

Anyway, this all-powerful lamb is the one picked by God to learn and divulge the true sequence of the end of the world. The lamb does this through the cracking of the Seven Seals; potentially more evidence of John’s heritage, as Seals could be interpreted as those on bottles of whiskey, tapped kegs, or ancient clay jugs of wine. With the cracking of each Seal came a vision of how the world will end. How did John see these visions? Apparently, he saw them through the lamb’s eyes. I know, sounds a little Ragnarökish, but I am not going to be the one to talk smack. I mean, what if, right?

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