Air Babylon by Imogen Edwards-Jones

Author:Imogen Edwards-Jones [Imogen Edwards-Jones & Anonymous]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Transworld
Published: 2007-07-03T04:00:00+00:00

5–6 PM

THERE’S NO TIME to dwell on deaf Jim’s departure or quite why he decided to snap on this particular rainy afternoon; there is also no time for the extra cup of coffee Debbie seems to be brewing for herself in the back office.

‘No time for that, I’m afraid, Debbie,’ I say, trying to bristle with efficiency. ‘We’ve got two flights to get out back to back, so the quicker you get this one off the less of a nightmare the next one’s going to be.’

‘Oh,’ she says, batting her eyelashes. ‘Just a little sip. I need the caffeine to get me through. Go on.’ She gives my arm a little tap.

Sometimes I really do wish I was gay. Her desperate display to butter me up and flirt with me is so goddamn poor, it’s pathetic she thinks I’d even go for it.

‘Come on,’ I say, quite sharply. ‘All the others are out there. And we’ve got a Lagos queue next door. We need to be cracking on.’

‘Fair enough,’ she sighs, putting down her mug. ‘Seeing as it’s you . . .’

If she’d said ‘seeing as it’s a Lagos queue’ I might be more impressed. The queues for the Lagos flights are notorious. For not only are they long and packed, not only do they seep into surrounding queues – hence my desire to have all hands on deck and all eyes to the front – they are also always the most difficult to board. Mainly due to the huge amounts of luggage everyone always seems to take with them. I know it’s a cliché to say that on some flights they take everything including the kitchen sink. Well, on the Lagos flights I have actually seen a great big aluminium kitchen sink, not to mention a sofa, a desk, armchairs, a couple of car tyres, a bicycle, a Breville sandwich maker, and sacks and sacks of rice. All of which we are supposed to be able to let fly under the 30kg weight restriction or indeed the 32kg BAA restriction. The boys downstairs won’t carry anything heavier. It’s more than their lower backs are worth.

My favourite, however, was a rather large lady who turned up in traditional dress wheeling a huge mahogany coffin. Fortunately it was empty (we checked); still, the thing weighed a ton. We did try to persuade her to leave it behind, or send it as cargo, but she was insistent on bringing it back because it was so beautiful and such a bargain. Eventually we charged her through the nose for it and shoved it at the back of the hold. I never found out who it was for. Had she picked it out for herself, or had she had plans for a certain unsuspecting relative?

Even though the Nigerian flights are a nightmare to board, that’s not to say they are unpopular to work. They’re not. They can be highly lucrative, particularly if you are not the most scrupulous member of the check-in staff. A

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