Addams Family Values by Todd Strasser

Author:Todd Strasser [Strasser, Todd]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 0101-01-01T00:00:00+00:00

Debbie had hoped that she and Fester could simply elope from the Addams madhouse as fast as possible, but Morticia had decided to give her a bridal shower in the conservatory, and she couldn't say no. The room was decorated with dried, wilting flowers, and the mirrors were covered with black crepe. Tinny, somber funeral-type music floated out of an old-fashioned record player. Debbie was standing alone in the middle of the room, surveying it, when Morticia swept in.

"Nervous?" Morticia asked.

Debbie nodded.

"So was I at my shower," Morticia said. "But this will be different."

"Why?" Debbie asked.

"I didn't invite any of the living dead," Morticia said. "I know some of them wanted to come, but it's hard for them during the day."

"I understand," Debbie said.

The doorbell rang.

"Oh, that must be the first guests!" Morticia clasped her hands together excitedly and called out, "Lurch, the door."

Moments later a pair of redheaded Siamese twins appeared, both wearing brightly colored dresses.

"The Amore twins," Morticia cried with delight.

"Morticia!" they cried in unison. "We haven't seen you since Fester's birthday party."

The three hugged, and then turned to face Debbie.

"Debbie, this is Flora and Fauna Amore," Morticia said. "Girls, I want you to meet Debbie Jellinsky, Fester's fiancee."

"We're delighted," Flora said.

"You and Fester will make such a lovely couple," gushed Fauna.

"And I hope your children will, too," Flora added, "like us!" The twins giggled.

The doorbell rang again and two more women entered the room. One was elderly and quite wrinkled. She looked like a faded southern belle from a bygone era. She was wearing a stained but flowing white dress and carrying a lace umbrella. The other woman was younger and rather large and broad-shouldered. She was wearing a tight, tattered red dress, carrying an open gin bottle, and she staggered slightly.

Morticia put her arm through the faded southern belle's and brought her toward Debbie.

"Debbie, I want you to meet our cousin Ophelia Addams, who's come all the way from Memphis," Morticia said.

"That's so nice of you," Debbie said.

"It is?" Ophelia looked confused. "Why am I here?"

"She's not all there," Morticia whispered to Debbie. Then she turned to Ophelia. "You're here for the bridal shower, remember? Debbie is going to marry Fester."

"Congratulations." Ophelia smiled at Debbie. "I was married once, you know. And for a time, I was so very happy."

"What happened?" Debbie asked.

Ophelia looked puzzled. "I don't know." She looked around the room as if seeing it for the first time. "Am I dead?"

Morticia pressed two fingers against the old woman's wrist. "No, you still have a pulse. But maybe you should sit down."

Ophelia wandered off, and Morticia turned to the tall woman in the tattered red dress.

"Debbie, this is the countess Aphasia Dubarry-Addams," she said. "Aphasia, this is Fester's fiancee, Debbie Jellinsky."

The countess took a gulp from her bottle and wiped her lips on the back of her hand. "Enchantee," she said in a surprisingly deep masculine voice.

"Aphasia is an actress," Morticia said.

"Oh, really!" Debbie pretended to be excited.

"Have you seen any of my films?" Aphasia asked.

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