A Widow's Guide to Healing by Kristin Meekhof

Author:Kristin Meekhof
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Sourcebooks
Published: 2015-09-15T00:00:00+00:00

YOUR SPOUSE’S DEATH CREATES MANY LOSSES

This chapter is perhaps the most difficult one for me (Kristin) to discuss. Within months of Roy’s funeral, his older brother died. I flew to Florida to attend the funeral and get emotional support from his family. Unfortunately, from my perspective, much of this hoped-for support faded quickly after Roy’s and his brother’s deaths. Even more sadly, my husband had predicted that this might occur. Soon after we found out that his cancer was terminal, I remember crying and asking Roy if I would be alone. He looked at me with deep pain in his eyes, put his arm around me, and said, “I’m afraid you may not get what you want from my family.” He then gave me the names of other loved ones he felt I could trust.

Now the loss of support from Roy’s immediate family didn’t mean I was sitting home alone during all the holidays, because I had my own family. But the diminishing contact with his family was a secondary and very painful loss. Before Roy died, there were some tensions with some of his relatives, but I still believed I would always be a part of his family. The disconnect with them wasn’t immediate. It occurred gradually, which was even more painful. Could I have handled things differently? Absolutely. For instance, I could have been more open about feeling alone and overwhelmed. And because I was feeling lonely and isolated, I declined to attend some family events. I hated the painful reminders that Roy wasn’t there to go with me.

If I could have worn a T-shirt with a big red heart on it that said “Forgive Me” to all of the family events, I would have done so. The first two years especially were filled with awkward and strange conversations. In the face of grief and everything else, I was a mess. I did the best I could to show up at family events, write thank-you notes (when I could remember), and reply to emails. Who knew I would struggle so many months after the funeral? Who knew I would be haunted by Roy’s words so many years later?

Grief is not for the faint of heart. As you know, it is filled with disappointments, and that includes the loss of relationships. After the death, you do not know what kind of relationships will remain, especially your relationships with your spouse’s family and friends. You may hope for certain things to occur and for people to reach out to you, but you don’t know exactly what will transpire. This, however, is certain—you will be hurt all over again in some of these relationships. You will feel wounded and want to give up, but as soon as you realize this too is part of the grief cycle, you will be able to start healing. If I had accepted this earlier, I think it would have lessened my pain.

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