A Need For Hope by Griffin Kao

Author:Griffin Kao [Kao, Griffin]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2015-06-30T16:00:00+00:00

That night, I was feeling down. I had so much makeup work to do, and I just felt really overwhelmed and really emotional. It’s what I imagined a girl feels when she has a period. When I got home from school, I did an hour’s worth of homework, which was barely a fraction of what I had to do, and then just sat on my bed for a while. What Mr. Righton had said actually made me wonder about myself. What if biology and medicine weren’t the things I was supposed to do for the rest of my life? Could I see myself as a doctor for every single day until I died? I honestly didn’t know. I thought about all the times I felt bored in bio and all the times I might’ve repressed feelings of repulsion for science. But even if science wasn’t for me what was? Was I supposed to be a writer? Do I like writing? I shouldn’t even have been thinking about that anyways, right? I couldn’t. Writing wasn’t going to earn me a decent living. Dad said so. I was just so confused. Like what the fuck was my passion? Why couldn’t I have a nice, obvious, convenient, practical passion that was going to make me wealthy?

I worked for an hour more on homework before stopping. I don’t know why, but I suddenly had the feeling that if I worked one second more, I was gonna become really, really sick. It was this incredible onslaught that I couldn’t fight. What was even more weird was that I didn’t even feel like fighting it. Like I had exerted my willpower muscles too hard the last time and something had snapped, and now that something was lying inside me, broken in half. In my mind, I sort of understood it, not on a logical level, but on an emotional one. Working just seemed more and more futile. It seemed like I was stuck in an endless cycle of studying and working, and for what? I was working to stand out and to distinguish myself, but when was it going to end? The struggle to be the best and the infinitely intense competition weren’t going away with college, not even with grad school. I felt like every time I finished my work, I would have another heap of work dumped on top of me before I could take a breath. I was drowning in an ocean of fucking academic antagonism.

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