A Fucked Up Life in Books by Anonymous

Author:Anonymous [Anonymous]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Published: 2013-04-03T11:00:00+00:00

The Da Vinci Code

One of the boys I used to live with was a bigger reader than I was, and probably still is a bigger reader than I am. He lives far away now and I don’t know what his reading habits are because all of our conversations now start with ‘We never dance together any more, you and I …’ and end with ‘Well fuck YOU.’ Like all true friendships.

When I’d run out of books to read and I didn’t have any money to buy anything new from the charity shop down the road I’d wander up to his room and see what I could borrow from him. This was one of those days.

He was sitting on his bed reading and I told him that I needed something new to read and he told me to go ahead and take something. All of his books were stacked up on a really high shelf and so I stood on the edge of his bed and leaned over to claw them off and onto the floor before rummaging through them.

There sat The Da Vinci Code. It had been out a while and I hadn’t read it. I’d heard mixed reviews; one of my friends becoming so in love with it that he bought a special illustrated edition and would cradle it in his lap each night, one friend saying it was a bit of a page turner, and the friend that I wanted to borrow the book from who was still sat in his bed reading some epic fantasy, who had told me that it was shit.

I picked it up and waved it in the air.

‘I’m going to take this,’ I said.

Suddenly he was behind me. I don’t know how he’d moved so fast.

‘No you’re not,’ he said, and plucked the book from my outstretched hand. ‘It’s shit. It’s fucking dreadful. I’m not letting you waste your time with it. Pick something else. Here, take this book about the Kublai Khan.’ He swept down, grabbed the book and thrust it in my face.

‘I think I’ll take the other one. Thanks,’ I said.

‘No,’ he said. He stood up. I’m very small. He is very tall. If he’d put the book on his head I’ve have had a hard time reaching it, but instead he held it right up in the air and stepped backwards.

‘It’s bollocks,’ he reiterated.

‘I’ll risk it,’ I replied.

He looked at me for a while, trying to work out what I was going to do next. I jumped up for the book but he saw it coming and moved away and I crashed into his desk.

‘MotherFUCKER,’ I mumbled. ‘Give me the fucking book.’

‘No,’ he said again. He held his hand out towards me, palm facing me until I stood still, and then while looking me in the eye he opened up the book, tore out a page, put it in his mouth, chewed and swallowed.

‘You can’t read it now, that was …’ he paused, looking down at the book ‘.. page ninety-seven.

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