Who Among Us (Penguin Modern Classics) by Mario Benedetti

Author:Mario Benedetti [Benedetti, Mario]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780241351000
Publisher: Penguin Books Ltd
Published: 2019-06-05T22:00:00+00:00

Part Two

* * *

ALICIA

Dearest:

My mind is made up. Would it have been better to discuss this face to face, as calmly as we could? Maybe, but that doesn’t matter now. Obviously I could have told you that we women are cowards, but the plain truth is I wouldn’t have been able to bear your bemusement. So here, this is my revelation: I can’t take any more. I’m leaving you for Lucas. Please don’t think the worst of me, I’m really not like that. Gradually you’ll come to loathe me, but I want to explain everything to you anyway, even if, for you, there can be no explanation.

You and I have made lots of mistakes, but I sense now that our single greatest, our most unpardonable, error has been never to talk about them. We missed out on that chance for openness, the one most couples seize as they daily insult and curse each other, finding equal pleasure in these moments of hatred as they do in those of appeasement. Such couples are constantly retouching, revising the images they have of one another, they both know what to expect from the other – but the two of us have fallen out of touch, you as far as I’m concerned, and me as regards you. If either of us has any information at all on the other, it dates back to a time when we were frank and is therefore now so old it may as well pertain to complete strangers. Maybe it’s no longer possible to bring ourselves up to date, and we are doomed to maintain a false memory of the other, to loathe and long for what we never were, or possibly only the worst of what we were. I’m sure you don’t know me, just as I don’t know you. Who can say how much there was in you and me that was good and worthy of love? Was there happiness within our reach that we were never aware of? But it’s too late now. My mind is made up.

It’s awful of me to say it (even I realize that) but there was a time when I really did love you. This must sound to you like a stuck record, and yet it is splendidly true. Without ever growing angry, you suspected I loved Lucas, but that I was too ashamed to admit I had made a mistake in choosing you, and was now paying for that mistake. And yet you’re the one who is wrong. When I chose you, and before that even, I liked you, a lot. I always did, and still do now.

I can clearly see how the misunderstanding arose. I argued with Lucas, grew excited by contradicting him, as we encouraged one another to spark off each other’s provocations. On the other hand, with you, there was never any conflict, and you took that to mean I was enthralled by Lucas and his opinions, and indifferent towards you. It never occurred to you to

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