Watch Your Junk and Other Advice for Expectant Fathers by Benjamin Wallace

Author:Benjamin Wallace [Wallace, Benjamin]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2012-09-10T05:00:00+00:00

With twins the doctor will most likely suggest or insist on a C-section. The process is no different or less disgusting. The doctor will just pull out two kids instead of one. Separately. One at a time—not one in each hand like some kind of Globetrotter palming basketballs.

Seeing your first child will still be the biggest moment of your life but there is only about a minute to admire him or her before you have to split your attention to the other one. From this moment on your life will be a constant struggle to not favor one over the other.

But something else has happened here. You’ve not only been blessed with two wonderful children, you’ve been awarded the ultimate one-up. From here on out, unless they have triplets, you don’t have to listen to anyone bitch about their kids ever again.

You’ve been given license to end all complaints with one simple phrase. And you’ll need it because most of your friends are probably having kids about this time as well. Whenever they start to complain about anything baby related, just look them in the eye and say, “I’m sorry. Is your ONE baby causing you problems?” Instant silence.

This will work forever. Toddler, pre-schooler, kindergartner, teenager—never again will you have to listen to anyone gripe about the difficulties of raising a child.

Warning: Don’t do this if they are talking about health issues. Then you’re just being an insensitive dick, you dick.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.