The Wedding: A Family's Coming Out Story by Doug Wythe & Andrew Merling & Roslyn Merling & Sheldon Merling

Author:Doug Wythe & Andrew Merling & Roslyn Merling & Sheldon Merling [Wythe, Doug]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2013-08-29T07:00:00+00:00

ANDREW The friends Doug and I had made in New York had been totally supportive ever since our engagement. Nancy and Bennett, Orna and Nigel, Rachel, Regina, Jacqui, Lori, and the rest always behaved as if ours were any other marriage. Of course, as road blocks went up in Montreal later on, all of them recognized that it was our homosexuality, and the reaction of others to it, that made things rough. But each of their responses seemed to come from the same common ground: the assumption that our intention to get married was not inherently inappropriate, and that our challenges lay in coping with those who didn’t understand that we were just trying to live a life like anybody else.

That’s how the New Yorkers reacted. My close friends from Montreal were another story.

Diane’s reaction wasn’t as extreme as when I told her I was gay. At least this time she didn’t ask, “Are you sure it isn’t a phase?” Diane’s both cultured and well-traveled. And she trained in theater and dance, so homosexuality wasn’t a taboo subject for her, I’m sure. Still, I knew she was uncomfortable when all she could offer by way of congratulations was, “This is so different, it’s so unusual.” Maxine responded pretty much the same way. Even Lorne wasn’t exactly whipping a hat off his head and tossing it in the air.

I was disturbed by their lack of empathy, and I asked myself, again and again, Can’t they imagine how it feels for me, announcing my marriage to them, and they can’t even try to sound happy for me?

And further, I wondered, If I were marrying a woman, they’d be acting so differently. And these are my best friends. It’s not like we’re family and they’re stuck with me because of blood. Can the like me, and not like that I’m gay? That’s who I am. If they care for me, that’s part of what they care for. So why should their expressions be so muted, when most of our other friends had been thrilled and delighted?

As I sifted through the possible factors, I culled one that I hadn’t considered before: they’re all Montreal Jews. Yes, they’re from a younger generation, but perhaps having been bred in this conservative, sheltered enclave has limited the scope of what they imagine possible for me, and in Lorne’s case, even for himself. Or maybe they were worried about the community reaction among their parents and peers, fearing the negative reaction that did, in fact, occur.

One additional factor came to mind. I myself had been driven to another country by the political upheaval in Montreal. The very concept of change had come to mean something other than progress; instead, it represented helplessness, an onslaught on the community by adversarial forces.

Perhaps, when my parents’ circle learned of our plans, it may have been seen as another unwelcome change being forced upon Jewish Montreal, only this time the societal shift came from the inside. Doug and I had instigated this. And my parents had become agents of this change, however unwillingly.

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