The Letters of Menakhem-Mendl and Sheyne-Sheyndl and Motl, the Cantor's Son by Sholem Aleichem

Author:Sholem Aleichem [Aleichem, Sholem]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Fiction, Historical, Jewish
ISBN: 9781480440838
Publisher: Open Road Media
Published: 2002-06-01T04:00:00+00:00

SWIMMING IN CHICKEN FAT

Now that old Luria’s is history, all that keeps my mother going is my brother Elye. Thank God he’s still swimming in chicken fat! That’s what my mother says, wiping her eyes as usual—this time with a bit of pleasure. Elye, she says, is set for life. Not that his wife is anything to write home about. (I happen to agree with that.) But Elye has a rich father-in-law, Yoyneh the baker. Yoyneh doesn’t do the baking himself. He has bakers for that. He buys flour and sells bagels. On Passover he bakes matsos for all Kasrilevke. He’s a fiend about his bakery. In fact, he’s a fiend, period. Watch out for him.

He’s a maniac, Yoyneh is. Once he nabbed me while I was with Elye. I had just helped myself to an egg bagel—a hot one, fresh from the oven. Don’t ask me what got into him, but all of a sudden he had the face of a murderer with these I’ll-settle-your-hash-for-you eyes. I never went back to his bakery. I wouldn’t go there again if you paid me. What kind of Jew grabs you by the collar and boots you through the door with three swift kicks?

I told my mother, who went running to give Yoyneh a piece of her mind. Elye saw her and stopped her. He actually took Yoyneh’s side! He said I was a disgrace who did nothing but eat bagels all day long. If I had to eat bagels, Elye said, he would give me a kopeck to buy one. My mother told him he had no pity for an orphan. Elye said being an orphan didn’t give you the right to anyone’s bagels. My mother told Elye to pipe down. Elye said he would shout as loud as he pleased and let the world know I was a thief.

That’s one word my mother can’t stand. She turned every color and told Elye to remember there’s a God above. God is not to be trifled with. There’s nothing he doesn’t see. He’s the father of all orphans and stands up for them and Yoyneh the bagel maker wouldn’t be worth the price of a bagel without him. That’s what she told my brother Elye. She took my hand and slammed the door and we went home.

Didn’t I say don’t trifle with God? Listen to what happened to Yoyneh. I’ve already told you he didn’t do his own baking. He had workers, two men and three women.

Well, something began to go wrong. I mean, a lot of things did. Yoyneh’s customers started complaining that his bagels had feathers and ribbons and cockroaches and bits of glass in them. Then some Christian found a big black hairball. A Christian is no joke, especially when he threatens to go to the police.

There was an investigation to see whose hair it was. The men blamed the women and the women blamed the men. The women said they were blondes, all three of them. The men said that no man had such long hairs.

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