The Great Gasbag by Joy Behar

Author:Joy Behar
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins
Published: 2017-09-23T04:00:00+00:00

M

M is for Alicia Machado. Alicia Machado was 1996’s Miss Universe, the one Trump called “Miss Piggy” because she gained a few pounds after winning the title. He also called her “Miss Housekeeping,” because she was from South America. (She was Miss Venezuela.) This all came to light during the campaign, when Hillary Clinton mentioned Alicia and the degrading things Trump had said about her.

I wouldn’t be surprised if, when Trump is in the Situation Room (the one in the White House, not the one with Wolf Blitzer) with his national security team—ignoring all the generals as they try to give him strategic intel on urgent issues involving Iran and ISIS—he’s thinkng about Alicia Machado and how she should be contacting Jenny Craig.

M is for Mainstream Media. Mainstream media is the term Republicans use to denigrate any news outlet other than Fox, Brietbart, or Infowars—in other words, any actual, real news outlet. When people say, “I don’t know what publications to believe anymore,” I tell them, “Breitbart was established in 2005 and Infowars started in 2004, which was when the Internet and fake news were coming into their own. Compare that to the New York Times, which started publishing in 1851, and the Washington Post, in 1877.” If those two publications had been giving us “alternative facts” all that time, I doubt that they would still be in business. Whom are you gonna believe: Woodward and Bernstein, or Conway and Bannon? I rest my case.

M is for Mar-a-Lago. Mar-a-Lago is Donald Trump’s vacation mansion in Palm Beach, Florida. If you’re not familiar with Palm Beach, it’s where rich, old, white people go to get some sun and eat watercress sandwiches. And if you’re not familiar with Mar-a-Lago, it’s the Playboy Mansion with six fewer germs in the hot tub. For years, Donald Trump has been going to Mar-a-Lago every weekend, to relax, play golf, and buy and/or con other rich people. And up until January 21, 2017, he paid for those weekends himself. Now we, the taxpayers, pay for them—because why spend money feeding poor people or helping sick children when we can use that money to make sure that a handful of foreign billionaires have clean towels and fresh fruit on the lanai?

Mar-a-Lago was originally built by socialite and billionaire Post cereal heiress Marjorie Merriweather Post. She envisioned it as a winter retreat for American presidents, and after she died in 1973—she was buried in a beautiful bowl of Grape-Nuts and strawberries—MMP willed the estate to the nation. Seven years later, the nation gave it back, saying, “What, are you crazy? This place costs a fortune to run.” In stepped Donald Trump, who made a ridiculously lowball offer for the property, which the Post family turned down. But rather than letting go and moving on with his life, Trump decided to be a petty, vindictive, small-minded prick (and by that, I mean “himself”) and bought a strip of land between Mar-a-Lago and the beach. He threatened to build a high-rise that would block Mar-a-Lago’s view of the ocean, and thus lower its value.

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