The Blacksmith's Daughter by Selim Özdoğan

Author:Selim Özdoğan
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Schwartz Books Pty. Ltd.

III

‘I’m not afraid of death,’ she says, ‘believe me, I’m not afraid any more of the time when the angel of death comes to fetch me. It was different a few years ago. I didn’t want to die then, right when I was happy. Please, Lord, let me savour this happiness, I prayed. But I don’t do that any more either, I’ve got used to the thought that death can come at any moment. I’m not afraid any more, I’m really not. My mission on this earth is almost over; I’ve raised two children, I’ve tried to be a good mother to them, and they’ve both found their place in life. There’s no one around who needs me now, so I can go in peace.

‘I’ve lied but I’ve never cheated, and I’ve never sold myself in this life, I’ve never spied on anyone or stolen anything. Perhaps that was just because the circumstances never demanded it.

‘Ending up bedridden and wasting away, that’s what I’m scared of, I’m very afraid of that. Call it pride or false pride, but I don’t want to be a burden on anyone and I don’t want anyone to have to wait for me to die at last, and release them and me. That’s all I’m afraid of now, not of death.

‘Sometimes, when I’m unhappy, I wake up in the morning and think: Damn, I’ve woken up again. Couldn’t I have slept forever?

‘I thought one day my time had come. Such pain settled upon me, as if it would break me, settled upon my heart and soul.

‘I dragged myself to bed with the last of my strength. I don’t know what it was, but I felt so bad I thought I’d die. And then I remembered the lentil soup on the gas ring, and I prayed: Lord, give me the strength to get up and switch off the cooker, Lord, grant me this request, and then come and take back your gift of life. I was ready to die but I didn’t want the whole house to burn down. I’d like to leave this world cleanly, neat and tidy. But I didn’t have the strength, I couldn’t get up. Then I must have passed out.

‘When I came round, I didn’t know how much time had passed. I managed to get out of bed, but I had to lean on the walls on my way to the kitchen. The soup was still simmering.

‘I’m not afraid now. But if I had one wish, I’d like to die in the autumn. I like the spring, I like the summer, I like the light that caresses you as the waves caress the beach, but I’ve never liked the winter. I might as well spend the winter under the earth. In the autumn, if I had one wish I’d like to die in autumn. Or at the end of summer.’

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