Star Whores: Return of the Dildo by Peter Caffrey

Author:Peter Caffrey [Caffrey, Peter]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Mondo Perverso
Published: 2023-10-15T00:00:00+00:00

NEBULAR FREEPORT, Z33S-X5

Buzz, Hands Solo and Easy Leia watched from the dock as their craft departed the Shithole Space Station and Emporium of Perversion, the auto-pilot setting increasing its speed as it headed into the vast darkness. Buzz regretted listening to Leia, and was about to berate her for her paranoia when the flash of booster rockets from another craft in the distance indicated Garth Gayder was, indeed, waiting for them.

‘I can’t believe Grabba informed on us,’ Buzz said.

‘Once a slug, always a slug,’ Leia added. ‘Now, let’s get going. It won’t take Gayder long to realise we’ve pulled a fast one.’

After a few false starts, Buzz worked out the controls of Grabba’s craft, and leaving the space station behind, they headed towards Z33S-X5. Buzz enjoyed piloting a ship on which everything worked, but he didn’t say anything to the others. Compared to his old jalopy, the performance of the newly acquired ship was by far superior, but he missed the character of the old rust-bucket.

As he configured the system to perform a hyperleap, he spotted Derek was nodding off.

‘Oi, Hands Solo, wake up. Haven’t you got anything to do?’ he shouted.

Derek blinked awake and shrugged.

‘Not really. Everything on this ship works properly, so I’m at a loose end right now.’

‘You’re no good to us, really,’ Buzz said dismissively. ‘You do nothing on the ship but eat and fill the sewerage tank, you’re about as entertaining as Herpes, and back there in the fight, you did fuck-all help. Maybe we should dump you at our next stop.’

‘Is this doing fuck-all?’ Derek asked, producing a small hessian sack and holding it in the air.

‘What’s that?’ Leia asked.

‘It’s pure Moo-Moo,’ Derek replied with a grin. ‘I stole it from Grabba’s place.’

‘Nice one,’ Buzz said. ‘Let’s all get fucked up!’

‘Don’t be an idiot,’ Derek sighed. ‘This is for trading. What are you going to do when we reach Z33S-X5? How do you think you’ll get hold of the dildo?’

Buzz thought for a moment, before replying, ‘I was going to take it.’

‘Just like that?’ Derek asked.

‘Just like that,’ Buzz said affirmatively. ‘Let’s not forget Z33S-X5 is a lawless place. It’s a hotbed of thievery and smuggling and subterfuge. When in Rome, and all that old toss.’

‘Are you for real?’ Easy Leia asked. ‘Z33S-X5 is lawless, but it’s also rich. It has been rich for years, and it’ll be rich for years to come. That doesn’t happen by accident. It might reject the influence of the usual authorities, but it has its own rules and an army of ruthless enforcers to implement them. Trust me, if you think Garth Gayder is bad news, just wait until you find out what they’ll do to you if you fuck them around. If we’re going to leave in one piece with the dildo, we need to make the trade without being clever, and get the fuck out of there smartish.’

Buzz Lovebeads nodded, but inside his head the cogs were already whirring. He didn’t want all the whore-ship’s assets, just the dildo, and if he could get it without parting with the Moo-Moo, then life would be sweet.

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