Short History of the Apocalypse by Boyle Frankie

Author:Boyle, Frankie [Frankie Boyle and Charlie Skelton]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: John Murray Press
Published: 2024-10-21T17:00:00+00:00

4. A Tale Told to Alonso by a Cypriot Fisherman, Part 2

Much refreshed, the band of violators rose from their blankets and mats, stretching and laughing, and blew good-natured raspberries at each other as they made their way to the campfire, playfully bumping hips, high-fiving and doing little robotic dance moves, especially a supple young bandit called Themistocles, whose jerky mechanical locks and pops were as hilarious now as they were terrifying in other scenarios best not thought about. The band of violators settled round the fire for a well-earned bowl of what their cook described euphemistically as ‘goat stew’, interspersed with fistfuls of what their pharmacist described euphemistically as ‘vitamin E tablets’, which a few of them took orally. As the sun set on this idyllic scene, the conversation turned naturally enough to the subject of sex crime.

Was it something in the goat stew, or was it the plaintive, lilting refrain being played, over and over, by Andreas, a well-liked and promising young sex criminal, on a rustic clarinet which he’d hand-carved from a clarinet he’d found in the basement of an abandoned musical instruments shop in Paphos? For whatever reason, the usual bawdy flurry of pillaging anecdotes faltered, and the crew lapsed into silence. The only sound was the crackling of the campfire and the low moans of Andreas as he tried to pull a hand-carved clarinet out of his anus.

Alonso broke off from his spellbinding story to order the pan-roasted duck breast, celeriac & parsnip purée, braised red cabbage, and cranberry jam. ‘But instead of the celeriac & parsnip purée, can I get extra cranberry jam. Also, can I swap the red cabbage for cranberry jam, and hold the duck. And can I add a side order of cranberry jam?’ The waiter at the Anglesea Arms on Wingate Road smiled, shook his head, and leaned across the table to give Alonso a playful bite on the nose. Alonso had been in an on-again/off-again relationship with the actor, model and waiter Barry Markowski for the last 20 minutes.

‘I’ll give you cranberry jam,’ said Barry laughing, and went off to the kitchen to put in our order. Charlie was concerned that Barry might have thought Alonso’s order was an attempt to be mischievous and charming in the early giddy hours of their romance, and rushed off to tell him to deliver a big bowl of cranberry jam to our table if he didn’t want a nasty scene in his gastropub.

Frankie took the opportunity to lean over and give Alonso a bite on the nose. He’d seen the waiter do it and assumed it was a thing guys who definitely didn’t fancy each other would do in public to assure each other, and anyone watching, that they didn’t harbour any mutual romantic feelings. Luckily that’s exactly what it meant in the future: Alonso had been shocked by Barry breaking up with him so publicly, just minutes after they’d made love in an empty residents’ parking space outside the pub, but

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